My long distance relationship didn't end up working out. We broke up after about a year of being together, leaving me lifeless. I had tried so hard to be accommodating, loving, supportive...you name it, I tried it. But sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to because relationships consist of two people putting in a ton of effort, which wasn't the case for me.
After the breakup, I was devastated even though my ex-boyfriend had basically treated me like garbage. I was too caught up in my naivety. I kept hoping that things would turn around and that the awfulness would go away one day. Nope. Around the end of my relationship, I knew that we couldn't last any longer. It was obvious. I had started trying to move on while still seeing my ex-boyfriend and while also doing intimate things together. I was simultaneously hopeful for a miracle to happen while also preparing myself for our story to end. It was terrible.
In January, I decided to message an old classmate who expressed interest in me about two years ago to see if he would be willing to go on a date with me. Long story short, we went on three dates and then he told me that he wasn't looking to date anyone. Though I wasn't really looking for him to be my next boyfriend, it still stung to be rejected by someone who seemed to be genuinely interested in me. The rejection wasn't too out of the blue though; he wasn't too quick to answer my messages on Facebook and would sometimes blatantly ignore my messages while he was online. So that was that.
About 10 minutes after he sent the message, my friends had arrived at my house to pick me up for a weekend getaway at a cottage about an hour away from the city. Since their arrival was very close to the time I received the rejection, I didn't have any time to cry about it, so I just bottled it up and planned to address it when the weekend was over. Big mistake.
There were about 25 people at the cottage, all college-aged young adults. Half of the guests were old high school classmates whom I knew, however the other half were complete strangers. One of the attendees was someone who had also expressed interest in me about two years ago. I had never acted on his feelings since I had a boyfriend at the time and I wasn't physically attracted to him. However, earlier this year, I started reflecting on this guy's personality and realized how great of a guy he actually was. He was a very good best friend to one of my friends and genuinely sweet. Given all these facts, I decided that i wanted to message him and see where things went. However, before I could, I found out that he had a girlfriend. Oh well. So much for that plan, right? Wrong.
While at the cottage, I drunkenly found out that he and his girlfriend had broken up. Score! He was available for me to fool around with. It was perfect: I knew he was attracted to me and I was definitely open to seeing where things went. My plan to catch him alone and possibly kiss him had actually worked. We kissed! What happened after we fooled around is a different story though. After a little bit of touching and kissing, he stopped everything. He mumbled something about it being bad timing and that things wouldn't go any further. I respectfully accepted that he didn't want anything more than what we had done and thought that that was going to be that. Ha.
After that incident, this guy proceeded to pretend like I didn't exist. I was invisible. He never made eye-contact with me and wouldn't acknowledge anything I would say. It was very bizarre. It was also extremely upsetting to me since he seemed to be so casual with literally every other person at the cottage. What had I done wrong? NOTHING! I knew I didn't do anything wrong, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong with me. I've since calmed down about the situation. I'm no longer very sour and huffy about it but I don't think I can be normal around him in the near future.
As you can see, I've been very down on my luck in the love department, which doesn't seem to help with the fact that I plan to confess my feelings to someone that I've been eyeing since May. That's right, I've been eyeing someone for close to 9 months. The problem is, he keeps giving me mixed signals! I have no idea whether he likes me or not. Every time it seems like he may have feelings for me, he says something about meeting new girls or just other girls in general. With the luck that I've been experiencing, I think I should just confess my feelings to this guy so that I can move on. I really don't want to keep liking him from afar and having it drag on longer than it already has since I'll be way too devastated when I get major rejected in the future.
I'm really frustrated with the dating scene at this age. I really can't see why no one wants a genuine relationship and why no one wants to actually put in a little bit of of effort to maintain something that could potentially turn into something beautiful.
I am so close to completely giving up my naivety and hope that love will eventually find me. I'm very tired. I'm very lonely. I miss having a partner. I miss everything.
