Lol lol lol lol why lol

Breakfast date was fine. He woke up at 6:45am just for me and said that "[I make] waking up early worth it". The best part? He had no school today.

Yeah, he woke up at 6:45am just to be able to spend a little less than 2 hours with me...with a 2-hr transit ahead of him, no less.

If that doesn't earn him brownie points, I don't know what would.

On a different note, shit hit the fucking fan today.

Regardless of how sweet he is or how much he claims he likes me (which, looking through his actions, is entirely believable), he still has feelings for one of his old crushes.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Fuck.

He told me that he had given up on her and moved on before (I had asked him about a picture I saw of them together before since I was curious and he had told me they never dated, he just liked her).

But yesterday, this girl decided to get drunk and told him that she used to have feelings for him.

Obviously with this new information, his head just screwed the fuck up. Understandable.

My head was also fucked up when I found out that Dat-Bod-Doe thought of our "relationship" as something a little more serious than I had thought he did. (I always thought that maybe he thought of me as some casual summer thing, I couldn't believe that he truly, possibly, had feelings for me)

I had found that out the Friday that just passed and my mind wandered. It wondered if I had done the right thing and if we could have been something so much more had I stayed with him.

Thankfully some sense came to me and I shrugged everything off.

That being said, I can understand how this new guy is feeling. I can imagine what he's going through and it really sucks.

He told me that he was angry at himself for having leftover feelings for this girl and that he felt terrible about it.

He told me that he liked me very much but he just couldn't let go of this girl without knowing if they could ever be something more.

Ouch.

It's like I'm caught between a Rachel and Ross dynamic where I'm just that outsider shit disturber that the audience hates but sympathizes for because how could she know how perfect these two were for each other?

This new guy agreed with one of Rachel's lines that she tells Ross and insinuated that it applied to him and the girl: "It's never off the table."

I'm numb. I'm blank. I'm lost. I don't know.

He told me that we were on the edge of becoming a thing but that this just wasn't the right time.

Right.

Where have I heard "this isn't the right time" before? Oh right, when I was in my first relationship. I used it to describe why we didn't work out.

Just my luck.

They're meeting tomorrow to discuss things since she told him she needed to tell him something. Oh yay.

Fuck my love life.

Hm...

Move over guys, I've decided to focus my energy on one of my Tinder matches (this isn't the sweet Russian guy who got me flowers) and probably no one else. Whoa. I'm getting out of the game and looking to settle down instead of bouncing between random chats with a bunch of different guys.

So far I've gone on two dates with this guy, and tomorrow will mark our third one.

Our first was a breakfast date (his treat) that pretty much put me in a good mood for the rest of the day because of our fun, pleasant conversation.

The second date was a dinner setting (my treat) and a little bit of walking around downtown until we finally reached a coffee shop and decided to station ourselves there and talk 'til a little before 1am.

This guy is really sweet and the amount of times I've caught myself smiling stupidly at the things he says is unfathomable.

He's a francophone and speaks English with me 98% of the time. He sometimes says things in French when he doesn't know how to express himself in English or when I decide to speak French with him.

He's patient with my functional French as I am with his better-than-average-and-omg-that-accent English.

Things seemed to be going smoothly and smart little me decided to maybe push it a little and be slightly more affectionate.

What I mean is, I'd send some sweet texts (can't think of any examples at the moment) a little more frequently just because he made me feel really giddy.

Bad idea. Oops.

We had a little bit of a serious talk for a little while and he told me that things between us were great... And because of that, he was worried he was going to screw things up since he's afraid of commitment.

He asked if we could take things slow since it also seemed like things were in the works of maaaybe starting to move a little fast, which, I mean, was not really that true.

For one thing, we hadn't even held hands yet, we just... Talked. At a distance. I mean, we were walking beside each other and everything on our second date, but his hands were in his pockets the whole time.

Granted, it was cold. I'll give him that.

Anyway, it was true that we were moving a little faster because of the things we said to each other. (No, not dirty things pff, just sweet things like "I like you" and stuff)

He also added something like, "I get the feeling that you really like me and I like you too. I just don't want to hurt you" before he mentioned that commitment scared him I think.

And that was it. Bam. The glass shattered for me.

A switch just flipped in my head and my heart.

I'm in trouble.

No-Flowers, my first ex, had said the exact same thing to me about a month or two before our breakup.

He told me that he couldn't picture us together or getting married (but it's not like I was pressuring him into seeing us getting married or anything). He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and that he always felt really anxious about our impending breakup.

And then he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore.

After two or more months of hearing that from my ex over and over again and experiencing sadness, probably anxiety, and who knows what else that period brought along, my heart turned to stone. I just didn't care anymore.

Every time I heard him tell me about his fears of commitment, I just shut down.

I distanced myself from my sadness and I couldn't take hearing "I don't know if I love you. I think you love me more than I do you. I'm a piece of shit." anymore.

With that in mind, I shut down once again after reading that this new guy had commitment issues.

I'm a patient, loving person. I cater, bend, and conform to and for someone I care about.

But this...I don't know. Something is different. I stopped feeling giddy after reading new guy's text.

It didn't matter that he sent me kiss emojis, I just didn't care anymore.

The weird thing is, I was okay with it when I first read it. I was alright with going at a slow pace for him, it was what I wanted anyway as well. I still am cool with moving at a slow pace.

I guess when it just really sunk into my head, a defense mechanism had awoken in me. I protected my head and my heart from yet another potentially heartbreaking incident.

His sweet words have no affect on me. I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt and whenever he says something nice, I'm always really surprised to read it.

His affectionate emojis are also confusing me a lot since my brain is interpreting "Don't be sweet/cute too often" as "I don't want to be smothered because I don't really like you all that much."

My mind understands that being smothered with affection can be way too much since, believe it or not, that has also scared and turned me off.

I just...I don't know. On some level, a small part of me fears that what happened with No-flowers will be reproduced with this new guy.

I'm scared that he'll wake up one day and over-analyze his feelings.

I'm scared that he is also as insecure as my ex.

I'm scared that I'll have to take care of his self-loathing and have his emotional breakdown take a toll on my mental sanity as well as my health.

I'm writing this out to make sense of how I'm feeling and why...and I'm really hoping it all goes away. I like this new guy and I feel like maybe things could work out.

I guess we'll see how my third date goes tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Flowers! Flowers! Flowers!

Every time one of my best friends sleeps over, I end up re-installing Tinder because, well, it's pretty fun to swipe alongside a friend.  You get to giggle over pretty people and laugh at hilarious bios together.  I say it's a pretty great bonding experience.

About two or three weeks ago (or was it four??), I re-installed the app for the 5th time and have kept swiping since (well, actually, I've been Tinder-clean for about 3ish days).  I'll admit it's pretty addicting and although most would say it's a waste of my time, I would like to say that...okay, I have nothing to say to that.  It is a waste of my time.  I say this because I actually spend a lot of time talking to people and I contribute a lot of things to say in our conversations.

Most who've matched with me have told me that I'm the most interesting person they've talked to on the app and although I should probably take whatever people say with a grain of salt, I can't help but believe them.

A lot of people I've talked to (in real life, not on the app) tell me that it's hard for them to keep up a conversation with someone on Tinder and that things usually die out pretty fast.

I, on the other hand, find it pretty easy to wiggle my fingers and come up with something whimsically different and funny (or at least, I hope it is) which has proven to be fairly effective in capturing people.  Granted, many guys haven't responded back to my messages (damn you people who swipe right on everybody and choose to ignore me), but when they do, the conversation just seems to flow very nicely.

Lately, I've been chatting with some guys I've matched with on Tinder and at one point, I had 5 of them talk to me all at the same time.  Now, keep in mind that I'm a talkative person and I actually like having some good back-and-forth with people...so these were five FULL conversations.

To top it all off, THREE MORE PEOPLE started texting me again...so my grand total of guys who were trying to contact me was 8.  EIGHT.  My life had never been so hectic.

I decided to uninstall Tinder (as one of my friends had advised me to) a couple of days ago so that I could focus on studying a little more.  Being the nice person I am, I couldn't just leave the guys on Tinder hanging so I told them that I was going to go AWOL but didn't offer up my number.

I still haven't even checked for a reply from them either, whoops.  Oh well.

Meanwhile, my phone was still buzzing with texts from other guys who wanted to meet up with me this weekend.  I decided to have a study date with one of them and blew off the other guys since I knew they probably wouldn't be able to sit next to me and be okay with being ignored.

Okay, I know that sounded pretty bad but hear me out: The other guys are out of school (since they had already graduated or stopped) so if I were to have a study date with them, well, it'd just be me studying next to them while they did I don't even know what.

The guy I went on a study date with is still in school and he also has midterms this week.  Ain't nobody got time to not study.  I figured he'd be like me and be able to just appreciate having someone to sit next to and talk to while taking study breaks. Plus, I told him that I was only going to go on a study date with him if we actually studied.

My friend had invited herself to my study date and really, at this point so close to my midterms, I couldn't afford any distractions.

I knew that studying with a boy meant that I would have probably been really distracted, so I let her sit with us.  Best.  Decision.  Ever.

I know I sound like a horrible person for having a third wheel on a "date", but I warned the guy beforehand and, well, midterms.  

I know that if the tables were turned, I'd be a little crushed about not being able to spend alone time with my date, but at the same time, I wouldn't fret over it because, again, midterms.

Anyway, this was my first time meeting this guy and I wasn't sure if I was nervous about it or not.  We got along pretty well when we texted and I had talked to him on the phone before.  He has a thick Russian accent and the pronunciation of some of his words is pretty amusing and I don't mean that in a mocking way at all.

He's a huge sweetheart and a geeky nerd of sorts...and actually bought me my first bouquet of flowers!

I had never told him that no one had ever given me flowers and that I secretly pined for them every time I started seeing someone.  I had, however, told him that I loved surprises.  It was more of a thing in passing than a hint since I have learned over time that hints do not work.  Ever.  Well, except maybe this time with this guy.

I was speechless when he handed me the flowers.  I couldn't believe it.  Was this reality?

"Wh-what?  I...why?  What?  Uh...WHAT?" was how I decided to thank him. (I actually did say thank you at some point though!)

He smiled and said, "Well, you did say you liked surprises."

Although the gesture was sweet, I still couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed to have a bouquet of flowers...in the library.  Where was I supposed to put it??  I ended up resting it on the bench of our booth-like study space.

I led him to our spot with the flowers in my hands.  I was still in shock.  I wasn't expecting him to do such a thing for me, and now I felt like I needed to like him.  The pressure was on.

I'm not really sure how to describe his cologne but one thing's for sure: I wasn't really a big fan.  In fact, I kinda wish I had a fan, if you know what I mean.  In all seriousness, it just wasn't really my type of smell and I think it may have had a small influence in the way I perceived his attractiveness.

He was a good sport and let me study while he studied as well.  I had stayed at the library for a little over 12 hours in total today and he managed to stick with me for 10 hours (I had gotten there 2 hours before him so that I could get a little studying done alone so that I could get into a little studying groove).

He was a little awkward every time one of my friends randomly spotted me and came over to say hi, which was understandable but it still wasn't marked down as very good in my books.  Two of my friends told me that I needed someone who was outgoing and friendly with people and I always thought that although that seemed like a good match, I could deal with someone a little more introverted.  Oh how I was wrong.

That isn't to say that I want to date someone loud, on the contrary, I actually think someone loud who overpowers my loudness would be a little troublesome.  Generally, when I'm with other loud people, I automatically and subconsciously tend to get a little quieter and I don't really like that.

In person, I still sort of got along with him but I had a feeling in my gut.  I knew he wasn't The One and I knew that I didn't want to date him.  Still, he had gotten me flowers.  He was a sweetheart.  I thought that maybe I could give him a chance and see if we were compatible.

At the end of the date, he decided to take the metro with me instead of an express bus home, again, very sweet.  I found myself to be very chatty on the metro ride home not because I had a lot to say and I wanted to make conversation but because I was very nervous.

I was nervous that he'd take advantage of the quietness between us and would try to lean in and kiss me.  I didn't want to kiss him.  I still don't.

Actually, when we first met up, I think I saw him contemplate giving me a kiss hello. I tried to divert his thoughts to other things, so I threw my arms up to greet him. That's when I realized that was also an invitation for a hug.

My thought process was literally: Distract him with arms!! Oh...oh crap, this is hug arms...oh...oh it's happening. It's happening, it's happening. Okay. Don't kiss me. Don't... Okay, good. Ohmygod our cheeks touched.

As we said our goodbyes that day, I wondered if he was going to kiss me goodbye as well...to which the little voice in my head said NO. (And thank God he didn't)

I'm sure he's going to be an amazing boyfriend to some other girl, but I know that I'm just not feeling any particular chemistry with him and I'm really not sure how to go about telling him that.

I don't want to slowly phase him out and talk to him less and less as the days go by but I also don't want to string him along and hurt his feelings.  He's pretty much the clingy type (he literally told me he was a little 'possessive'), I think and I'm afraid that he's already fallen a little too much for me.

Also, my shallowness is kicking in and I think I can really conclude that I like taller  guys.  5'9" and above is a nice height.  I went on a date with another short guy a week or two ago and I think he was 5'6 1/2, which was cool, I guess.  

I mean, kissing him was an interesting experience (he had surprised kissed me by randomly grabbing me and pulling me in close.  I had always wanted someone to do that to me!) since his lips were so accessible and I didn't really have to get on my tippy toes.  Anyway, he's a story for another day.

Point is, I got flowers from a super sweet guy and I'm not attracted to him so I feel kinda bad.