I haven't cried so hard for half an hour in so long.

I think my body is just really fed up with all of this rejection.

Why doesn't anyone want to be in a relationship?

More specifically, why doesn't anyone want to be in a relationship with me?

SpaceGuy isn't ready for a serious relationship even though I thought the signs were there.

I got too attached too soon.  Again.

Send help.

It's 4pm, I'm in an electronics store with SpaceGuy and 2 other friends.

My laptop charger had short-circuited the night before and I needed it badly to write up my 4 lab reports.  That night, SpaceGuy suggested going to an electronic store to see if they sold it and offered to come with me.  It was all sweet and great until he told me the name of the store.  I froze.  It was the store Pseudo-Prince worked at.  Shit.

I told him about the situation and the sweetheart asked me if I would rather stay in the car and he did everything that needed to be done.  He also playfully suggested I waltz in there with my arm draped around his and then ask about my charger.  In the end, I decided that I needed to be there in the store since I was going to be using a credit card to pay for the charger.

So there we were in the store and I breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't spot my ex anywhere within my line of sight.  Sure enough, he wasn't working that day (or maybe he found another job?  He did tell me he was applying around when we were dating way back in April).

SpaceGuy, despite seeming like the shy, awkwardish type, took charge and did all the talking necessary for me while I stood there with a blank look on my face because I had no idea what the hell to say.  I was impressed.

Being the nice guy that he is, SpaceGuy offered to drive my friends wherever they needed to go and they politely declined since they weren't even sure about what they wanted to do after going to that store.  We said our goodbyes, headed towards his car, and I intertwined my arm around his, eventually slipping my hand into his.

When we got to his place, his dog, Sam, greeted us and she thankfully didn't try to jump on me.  If she had, I would have probably toppled over since she was so big!  

From the corner of my eye, I spotted his aunt holding a puppy.  She came over, extended her hand, and introduced herself with a polite, welcoming smile.  Her hand was soft and the puppy was adorable beyond compare.

We headed up to his room and the first thing I noticed was how high his bed was (FYI: it was also very, very comfortable...), which made sense since he's 6'2" and anything lower would be really inconvenient for him.

Alright, I'm going to say this right now: This is our third date and YES I did ask if I could work on my lab reports for a bit.  Yes, yes, studying/working together is a thing that people usually do with their boyfriends that they've been dating for a while but you know what?  A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  My laptop was dead and I really needed to get a move on with my work.  

For the record, I had asked him if he wanted to do work together prior to our meeting.  I didn't spring the idea on him and disappointed him right then and there, I'm not THAT evil.

I decided to work for an hour or two.  He installed a game on his phone and played it with his left arm wrapped around my shoulders.  At some point, he got up to cook us dinner (which actually tasted pretty good, yay!) which consisted of veggies, rice, and spicy chicken breast.  

He showed me what his favorite show was like (Rick and Morty) while we ate and it reminded me a bit of this other show I watch called Bravest Warriors.

Once our stomachs were full of food, we hopped onto his bed and we put on Bravest Warriors to watch on his desktop.

I climbed into his arms and nestled into his warmth.  This is the closest we'd ever been and we hadn't even kissed yet.

His heart was beating fast, I could hear and feel it.  Both of us were probably wondering when the right time to share a kiss would come.  I was nervous.  What was it going to be like?  How far was I willing to go tonight?  

There were a couple of times where we'd talk and laugh and our faces were pretty near each other, but I'd chicken out,smile, and continue watching the show.  He didn't seem to mind though, he actually enjoyed the show and commented on how he saw how Rick and Morty reminded me of Bravest Warriors.

And then it happened.  After he said something, he smiled, and there was a pause.  Time stood still and we both knew that the kiss was gonna happen.  Not gonna lie, I wasn't sure if it was going to be a huge disappointment since his lips looked pretty thin and my last experience with thin lips was weird (it felt like I was kissing a girl).  

We kissed intermittently until eventually, we got really into it.  We kept pressing our bodies against each other.  Then we pressed closer.  

Closer.  

Closer.  

Closer.  

At some point, we reached a point where we couldn't get any closer but we still kept trying.

My hands were around his face and sometimes, my fingers were tracing the outline of his neck and his back.

His hands were holding me, brushing my thighs, my back.

Our legs were intertwined and I couldn't tell where I ended and he started.

He gave me little kisses on my shoulders and worked his way up--kissing the side of my neck, then my cheeks, and then my mouth. // I decided to stop writing this blog post.

upDATES on the dates. Ha. Hahahah. Ha. Okay.

If you were to tell younger me that I went on 2 dates with 2 different guys on the same day, I would have thought that older me was some sort of social butterfly movie star.  Which, come on, I kind of am, let's be real.

Joking aside, once I got back from both of my dates, I had a lot of things to think about, some of which included "Should I continue seeing these two people at the same time?", "Should I even bother with SelfieGuy?", and more.

Up first we have SpaceGuy and let me tell you, he's such a friendly sweetheart.  He bought my drink and a brioche for us to share.  I really loved the dynamic we had and the only word that comes to mind to describe that date is "innocent".  It was sweet and moved at a lovely pace.

To contrast it with my first date with SelfieGuy: I kissed SelfieGuy on our first date and we interlocked our fingers around the end of the date.  It was nice, I guess but with SpaceGuy, I felt like I really enjoyed the innocence of it all.

I liked that it was still a little uncertain and we were both extremely polite and just...it wasn't crass.  With SelfieGuy, we both had very out there personalities and I think we just kinda bantered like comfortable assholes together.  It's nice to have that, sure, but I feel like that sort of clicking can come later.

I feel like SelfieGuy might be more arrogant, self-absorbed, entitled, and condescending.  Don't get me wrong, we had fun together it's just that those were the vibes I was getting from him.  He also carried himself in a certain way that exuded such characteristics and I really didn't want to be around that kind of person.

SpaceGuy, on the other hand, is more cautious (in a shy way, if you know what I mean) and friendly.  His vibes were softer and I didn't feel like he was being condescending at all.  We shared dreams and thoughts, both of us interested in what the other had to say.

One of the things I was worried about with SpaceGuy was the lack of communication between the both of us.  We hardly chatted/texted before our date and I worried that it was going to be really ridiculously awkward.  I also worried that should the date go super well and I really liked SpaceGuy, would I be okay with someone who didn't talk to me very often?

I know that kind of thing really killed me when I was with Pseudo-Prince.  The constant pining for affection and attention was awful and I dreaded seeing the "Seen" notifications and not getting a reply back.

But then...a miracle happened.  SpaceGuy added me on Facebook and suddenly, out of nowhere, he was extremely chatty with me!  He's been talking to me nonstop here and there throughout the weekend and I really couldn't be happier!

Oh, I should also mention that SelfieGuy and I have come to a mutual agreement that things between us would not work out since his sex drive is way too high for me and I'm just really not comfortable diving into the whole thing just yet.  We wished each other good luck with finding someone who suited our needs and parted ways.  It was all very civil and I don't regret letting him go.

My mind is swirling with SpaceGuy's messages and I'm afraid that I've gotten just a liiiiiiittle bit attached.  I've gotten a little used to seeing his chat head pop up on my phone screen and now the addiction needs to be fueled very often...oh dear.

I've done so well these past few days in terms of not getting attached but now it saddens me to admit that I'm starting to have dreams and fantasies of spending some of my Christmas break with this guy.  Oh no oh no oh no.

I can't get too attached to this guy this soon into the game or I'm just setting my heart up for failure and a world of hurt because I don't even know what this guy is looking for on Tinder.

I should probably ask him what he's looking for soon....probably.....but....I'm having such a nice time talking to him!

Maybe if we talk enough and he enjoys my company, he'll think "Maybe having a relationship with this girl would be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!!" and we'll be a thing after a couple of dates......maybe....who knows.

A girl can dream, a girl can dream!

Dabbling

Quick Aside and Update:

I've decided to not answer Pseudo-Prince's Facebook message and ended up deleting our conversation in its entirety.  Yup, that's right, all my love notes and declarations of love are gone forever.

Why didn't I do this sooner?  ...I didn't know you could delete messages.  In my defense, this seems to be a new feature because when I tried to delete the thread before, it would just end up being archived and that was that.

Anyway, point is that I'm completely, 150% DONE and OVER Pseudo-Prince and none of his charming ways or words could ever win me back.

It feels so good to know that I truly mean that and that I recognize that he was full of shit and probably all talk.  And let's be real, maybe he's trying to come back to me to see if he can still manipulate me or something.

Who knows?  Maybe he is a nice person, but his sweet talking was definitely suspicious.

Aside #2

One thing that I realized about Pseudo-Prince messaging me is that it actually gave me a glimpse at how I would have reacted had an old flame contacted me again once I told myself that I had gotten over them.

Where I'm getting at with this is just that...the guy I was seeing before who was still in love with that girl left me thinking "What would I do if something similar happened to me?  Would I stay with my current boyfriend/person I'm seeing or would old feelings resurface and I wouldn't be able to fight them?"

Interestingly, I reacted to Pseudo-Prince's message the way people give that "Bitch what the fuck is this??" look to other people.  So now I know that if I were in the same position as that other guy did with that girl, then I would still not hurt the person I'm currently dating since it isn't fair.

------------

So I'm going on two dates today with two different guys.  Both are from Tinder, obviously.  Where else would I ever meet someone who would want to date me?  Let's be real here.  Considering my luck with guys, I really don't know when or where I'll ever actually meet someone who'd ask me out and I'd be semi-compatible with.  (Do note that I'm not really downgrading myself or anything, it's just that it's really, REALLY hard to find people).

That aside, let's talk about these boys, hehe.

The first guy I'm seeing is 26 years old and we're going to name him SpaceGuy because we both bonded over space, duh.  I really like that he's the geeky type in this way and he also plays video games.  We both play Portal 2 and agreed that we should totally play it together.  That has yet to happen and I would really love it if my damn internet would function properly so that I could totally bond with SpaceGuy, gawd.

It's really early to say much about him but I do worry that if I do end up choosing to date this guy for realsies (as in, exclusively), I really hope that he talks to me more often because right now, we hardly talk.  We can hold a conversation, ish but I do admit that I spend most of my time talking to the guy I'm going to have dinner with.

SpaceGuy is sweet and a huge cutie.  I really appreciated the fact that he wishes me good night even if we haven't spoken in like an hour or two.  Basically, he'd tell me that he wanted to finish up some homework and then head to bed and I'd be like 'Okay! :)" and that would be that.

I would think that the conversation was dropped (And for a good reason, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this or anything) and I thought that we'd talk the next day...but NOPE.

About an hour or two later, he'd tell me that he was going to bed and wishes me good night!  I think that that is one of the cutest things ever.  It's just nice to know that they still remember you before bed and stuff, you know?

We also exchanged a bunch of cute geeky pickup lines that I really enjoyed and I hope he did too.

The guy I'm seeing for dinner is going to be named SelfieGuy because he wanted us to exchange selfies at least once every day.  I've actually already gone on a date with SelfieGuy before so this dinner thing is going to be our second date.

SelfieGuy seems to be pretty decent as well and he's also 28 years old.  I used to think that 28 was way too old for me to date but I decided "Why not?" when I swiped on it and after we matched, he started the conversation in a really fun way.  We seem to be on the same wavelength in that he's got a certain type of humor that only those who go on Reddit have.  (SpaceGuy also goes on Reddit, just an FYI).

He invited me over to his place for the second date and obviously we all know that sometimes there are underlying sexual implications that come with such an invitation.  Just to be safe, I told him that I wasn't comfortable fooling around just yet and that I was virgin, yada yada, we all know this drill at this point.

Some would argue that I shouldn't bring such a heavy topic up so early in the dating game, but speaking from experience, I think it's a pretty good idea.

First of all, it lets the guy know that we're not actually going to be having sex anytime soon and if he has a problem with that, we can both move on without being too attached to each other.

Second of all, should the guy say that he's fine with holding off sex for an indeterminate amount of time, it's nice to know that they like your personality so much that they're willing to wait for you.  It's interesting.

After telling him all of this, needless to say, this guy was taken way, WAY aback since he has a relatively high sex drive.  He said that it was pretty much an incompatibility with us but he was willing to see if we'd work out.

I guess we'll see how things pan out.

I have yet to tell SpaceGuy the sex thing but it doesn't look like we're heading down that road yet, and I'm not sure if there is even any road for us at all so I guess we'll also see with him!

Note: This post was written yesterday (Friday) and continued a little bit today (Saturday) post-dates.

An update

Yeah I stopped talking to that guy who's still in love with that girl for obvious reasons.

Speaking of people who are still in love with other people....guess who messaged me today out of the blue. Just take a wild, wild guess.

Did you guess Pseudo-Prince? I bet you didn't.

Mhm. That's right. Pseudo-Prince messaged me today telling me that he had "written a speech for [me] and [he] would like to express it in person".

Hm.
HMMMMM.
HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Now, of course, I don't ACTUALLY think he's still "in love" with me since he probably never really loved me in the first place despite the fact that he repeatedly told me he did when we used to date.

I thought he forgot about me. I didn't think he would even remember our time together.

You know what's great? I'm not fazed. I'm not confused, nor am I hoping or wishing that we get back together.

When I read his message, instead of feeling pangs of pain in my heart, my eyebrows just furrowed and I couldn't stop squinting in disbelief.

What does he want? Does he want to apologize for ending things so abruptly? Does he want to ask to get back together?

Well, since it's a "speech", I'm sure there's a "sorry" there somewhere.

...or maybe he wrote me a lecture on why we didn't work out and he feels like he should voice his opinions on how needy I am.

This is really all speculation and I'm trying to think of every possible thing he could ever have written.

I don't care about him anymore and I know that he's ruined a good portion of men for me. (whenever I meet someone who reminds me of him, I grind my teeth and mentally say NEXT)

I'm a really curious person and I'm not sure if I'm curious enough to find out what he has to say.

I feel like I'm in such a good place and that I've moved on so much/well that if he tries to say nice things and asks for me to take him back, I would be able to stand my ground and give him a firm no.

I didn't deserve to be ignored for hours and days.
I didn't deserve to be miserable.
I didn't deserve to think that I was crazy.
I didn't deserve the treatment that I got and the thoughts that came with it.

I don't want to ever date him again and just because I would really love to have a boyfriend right now, I won't succumb to or give in to this urge.

I would rather be lonely than risk being hurt like that again. I couldn't leave my bed for an entire month because of him.

I can't put myself through that again no matter how much of a fairytale the short time we spent together had felt.

Would listening to his speech and then giving him a 'no' feel really great? I mean, I'm not doing it for closure since I have it, I think. I guess you could call it payback.

Is that too evil? Wanting to make him feel rejected? Hm.

I mean, I really don't care. I feel like I can survive if I just completely ignore his message and we just never talk ever again.

But I am curious to know what kind of speech it is.

Hm.

Decisions, decisions.