I am the smartest person ever

I think I'm self-sabotaging, honestly.  No idea what's wrong with me but I always know what to say to ruin things whenever I gush about guys to several people.

Exhibit A: I write about how well things are going with SpaceGuy and tell my cousins that I'm currently seeing a 26 year old guy.  Later on that day, I seem to say all the wrong things (and I KNOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE BAD CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE I HAVE A BAD FEELING DEEEEP, DEEP DOWN INSIDE ME BUT NOPE I DECIDE TO NOT LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE VOICE) aaaaand then I end up having a long conversation with him 'til 2am because we're breaking up. Yay. Yayayayayayayy. I don't know why I do this to my grades and to my own mental health.  I'm weird.  Alright, I'm going to cry over my grades and my love life a little later.  For now, I'm going to try and cram as much as I can and hope that I don't break down crying during the exam and during my dinner with my friends. :) :) :) :) :) :)

A reminder to myself: THIS IS A GOOD THING.  THIS BREAKUP IS A GOOD THING.  THIS IS A GOOD THING.  IT WAS INEVITABLE.  SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED WEEKS AGO.

Fuck.  So many ragrets, I just want to be with him and have everything be alright.  This breakup is a good thing.  This breakup is a good thing.  This breakup is a hella fucking good thing.

Going with the Flow

Despite my previous posts full of hope for the future and sadness because I thought I was dropping SpaceGuy, I've actually decided to ride it out with SpaceGuy.  I think too much when it comes to relationships and although it may sound like I'm just making excuses to stick with him and some may argue that I'm settling for something I don't deserve or I don't want, I think it'd be alright to just see how things pan out.

I know what's best for me is to find someone I click with and who can fulfill the needs I have, but what if those are just things that develop with time?  Is love really something you recognize right off the bat?  What if I'm never lucky enough to see a shooting star to wish for a prince charming to suddenly light up my world and color my world with glitter?

Now, the way I'm phrasing everything sounds like I'm settling for what I can get and although in some way, that may be true, but I see it more like: I'm happy with how things are right now.  I'm not miserable or dying on the inside and honestly, after my last blog posts, I've been cautiously accepting SpaceGuy a little more every day.

Somehow, I managed to distance my heart a little bit from him and it's a little hard to explain but each cautious step I took was done in a bird's eye view.  I could see myself from an aerial point of view, evaluating and calculating the consequences and outcomes of his and my own words, our exchanges, and our expectations or lack thereof.

I've accepted that he isn't ready for something extremely serious and I don't really know what "extremely serious" really entails or means.  I can't picture things being any different than they are right now.

Going with the flow is working out quite lovely right now and I would rather this situation than being single and going on a bunch of different Tinder dates with different guys each week. That isn't to say if I didn't have SpaceGuy, I'd just Tinder away.  Au contraire, I actually told myself I was pretty done with guys after SpaceGuy and if things didn't work out, I wanted to just take time off from dating and focus on myself.

I think he's starting to warm up to me a lot, which is really nice.  My walls are coming down again and I'm less distanced than I was before.  I'm happy giving/showing him affection and he seems to happily accept it as well.

I don't expect him to be my "boyfriend" anytime soon and quite frankly, I don't have any expectations out of him anyway.

I mean, I look forward to making new memories and laughing with him, but these are really more dreams than expectations really.

I don't expect him to bring me flowers every day or buy me dinner all the time--it's really nice that he buys me dinner though, hehe.  I really appreciate his efforts and I'll be gladly returning the favor on our future dates.

It makes me happy to know that he talks with me every day and snaps me as well, making sure to not lose our "fire".  (On Snapchat, the "fire" emoji appears next to someone's name when you've been snapping them for 3 or more consecutive days which is great because it motivates your friends and significant others to maintain it, which, in turn, maintains your relationship with them, sort of)

I do admit that sometimes, I get a little lonely and I wish for more attention but people are busy and I completely understand that he has things to do.  When I start feeling that way, I just message him anyway even though sometimes I do get a little nervous because I'm scared that he'll think I'm waaayy too clingy and decide one day that he's had enough of my neediness.

I'm a big fan of pushing the envelope though and seeing how much neediness I can show and still have it be okay.  That isn't to say that I'm overly needy, but sometimes when I'm on my period, I can get rather clingy af and I just really need affection and attention.

Anyway, the other day, I was really, really needy and exhausted and I just couldn't stop myself from unleashing all the cling and he took it rather well.  A gold star goes to SpaceGuy for being the most understanding guy ever.

I don't want him to feel like we're moving too fast because I'm really fine with taking our time.  If things fizzle up for whatever reason, that's cool with me too.  At least I had a nice time with him and he was a huge sweetheart with me when we dated.

He may not be the guy I'm going to marry someday and that's fine too.  He can, however, be the guy who makes me giddy now, why think about who'll make me happy in 5 years' time and miss out on the present?

I realize I may have contradicted something I said in a blog post I wrote in August regarding Dat-Bod-Doe.  I remember trying to figure out why I kept going back to him despite the fact that he made me miserable when we weren't physically together and I concluded that it was because of the whole "instant gratification" notion and how he was a super chiseled sort-of knight in shining armor and that I was okay settling for something of the sort since I could "get some sugar now".  

I don't see me riding things out with SpaceGuy as submitting to instant gratification (well, maybe a little...or a little more than "a little"), but rather closing my eyes and being less stick-up-my-ass.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to let loose a little more and I think this is something I still have to work on.  Being so strict and stern with myself has always lead me to feeling frustrated and it made me realize that I was angry all the time.

When I stopped caring about things and accepting that I'm only human, I loosened up a lot and smiled a lot more.  Now my adventure with growing up continues and I'm going to continue trying to not cage myself to an ideal dream that is probably not that close to reality if we're being real here.

An Open Letter

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I'm sad.  I wish you were here.

I'm not sure if I'm broken, but I know I have things to work on.  Some of these things were issues I didn't think I had but after reflecting a little more on my body language and the way I handle situations, I've realized that they were just really well hidden.

I need to learn to accept that I do deserve to have good things happen to me and that these "good things" are actually just nice things that courteous people do.

The other day, I remember telling someone some of the nice things SpaceGuy did for me that I really appreciated and she stopped me from saying anything further.  She said, "These are really normal things.  You're not asking for much, don't accept anything less because YOU'RE WORTH IT."

And just like that, I wanted to cry.  I realized right then and there that I really wasn't asking for much.  I wasn't asking for a huge stretch of effort, I wanted someone who respected me and who wanted to take care of me the way I'd want to care for them.

I need to learn that I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want or what I deserve. It's been really hard to accept and especially to realize, and I'm still not completely there yet, but I'm working on it, I swear.

I need to learn that I am just as important when it comes to pleasure and that some people genuinely do want to make you feel good because they do think you're worth it.  

Not only am I just as important, I am also just as attractive as they describe me to be.  I shouldn't be so skeptical when they compliment me because I really am a sight to see.  It may not feel like it when I go out, since I pale in comparison to some, but I am beautiful in my own way.

I promise I'll believe you when you compliment me because I know you'll be just as genuine about it as I will be to you.

I promise that no matter how many bad experiences I've gone through, I won't feel jaded over love.  I'm too much of a hopeless romantic and a dreamer and that probably won't change.

True, I've grown more wary when it comes to dating and I'm getting a little afraid of getting attached because boy, once I latch on, I really latch on.  I apologize in advance for smothering you with love, I just have a lot of it to give.

I haven't gotten to the point where I'm completely terrified of commitment and I do hope that once I find you—or you find me—you won't be either.

I want to bake you things and make you laugh so hard, you can't breathe.  I want to interlock my fingers within your fingers and feel all warm inside because of the connection that we have.

I really wish I had that now.  I really wish I had you.

I guess it really isn't time for us to meet and maybe it's because we both have things to work on.

I don't know if I've lost myself in my search for you.  I don't know who I am anymore or what my values are.  I used to identify as bubbly, lovable, confident, and with a can-do attitude.  Now...now I don't know.  I'm still those things but maybe I've grown up a little bit.

Maybe my skepticism and sense of defeat have clouded a couple of things in my mind and my hopelessness is so depressing that I've lost some of my spark/spunk.

Today, I thought back to one of my previous blog posts involving some high school friends and their loving boyfriends and I realized, again, that I lost sight of what a functioning relationship could look like.  Furthermore, I forgot that I was looking for something like that.

I've spent so much time dating guys who really weren't relationship material that I had forgotten what it was like to have a loving partner.

I really do want someone I can call on my walks home and chat about their day, their thoughts, some epiphanies that they had earlier that day.

For now, I promise to study really hard and enjoy my time with my friends. I really appreciate all the support I get from them and I don't know what I would do without them.  They're so friendly and loving, you're gonna have so much fun with them, I swear!

I really hope you can let loose and be silly with them as you can/will be with me!  If there's absolutely one thing I'd have to pick to be extremely important to me, that'd be that you get along with my friends and that you impress them.

Although I may be sad that I don't have you, I am eternally grateful to have them by my side.  They make life so much happier and I hope that once you enter my life, they'll make your days just as bright as they do mine.  BUT YOUR EYES ARE ONLY FOR ME OK?  OK.  GOOD.  Glad we agree.

I promise to work on loving myself and being so independent, you'd think I was too cool for you.  I promise to be there when you have your lows and above all, I promise to love you even when you eat the last cookie I had been saving for later munching.  Okay wait, that seems a little too generous on my part, how could you eat the last cookie knowing full well I was saving it? :(

There, our first fight.  It's okay, I forgive you.

I forgive and forget a lot, it's part of my nature.  You'll see me do that a lot and you might not understand why I let people back into my life, but I do it anyway.

I want to develop a loving relationship with you and have it be so layered, it'll be like a blanket fort. Can we have Christmas lights in the fort? We're gonna have Christmas lights in the fort, I've decided.

I look forward to meeting you and seeing where life takes us and making new memories with you. I hope I can make you laugh and smile just as much as you probably will make me.

Until then,
Goofball

When you do stupid things and come out with even more things to think about...

Despite having cried over SpaceGuy, I decided to go on another date with him because....because....I don't know.

Recap: He didn't necessarily hurt me per se, he just told me that things between us were great as they were and that he wasn't ready for anything serious. I also asked him what serious meant to him and he said that being serious meant being exclusive. Hm.
I asked him if I should just forget about having feelings for him and he said that I shouldn't have them if they'll lead me to wanting something a little more serious in the near future. How near is 'near'? No idea.

I mean, I'm cool with taking things really slow and not being anything serious before jumping into a relationship, that makes sense...but if it's never going to lead anywhere, should I even bother?

He said that he's not someone that I would want to love and that he wouldn't be someone I deserved (in that I'd deserve someone much better than him).

I don't know what I want with him. I mean, I've wanted a boyfriend for so long and it'd be great to be exclusive. I'm not sure how I feel about not being exclusive right now.

I'm kind of a jealous type even though it's a little hypocritical of me since I did talk to other guys while I was talking to SpaceGuy online.

I don't know.

To complicate things even more, I stayed the night at SpaceGuy's place because we were both too tired and too lazy to get me home at 1am.

It was nice, we cuddled a little before sleeping and I snored all night long.

We didn't have sex, but we were close to sealing that deal in the morning. Yep.

I've always said that I wanted to do it for the first time with someone I loved and at one point during my time with him, I was assessing how comfortable I'd be if I lost my virginity to him that night.

I know/knew that impulse decisions aren't always the right decisions to make so I withheld from having sex with him.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too rational/smart about these things and if I should be a little looser and let myself live a little.

He's sweet but I don't think I'd enjoy the idea of losing my virginity to someone I wasn't even exclusive with, no matter how caring he seems or how hot and heavy things had gotten.

And trust me, things were pretty steamy.

I enjoy my time with him but then again, I'm not sure if my judgement is partially clouded because of my lust for the things we've done.

Maybe he's actually very boring and I can't see or come to terms with that because I really like his toned body.

So many things to reevaluate and think about.

Am I ready to take the plunge and have sex?

Where do I see things going with SpaceGuy?

Am I willing to stick by him and continue hoping that maybe he'll wake up one day and realize "Yes, my issues with serious relationships are gone because this girl is amazing and I want to be her boyfriend"?

Obviously I know that problems and issues need work. The real question and thought is: am I willing to work on that stuff with him?

I don't know.

How much do I like him?

I don't know.

I know I don't like the idea of him being intimate with someone else or having someone else make him laugh and smile the way I do.

Maybe it's also the thought or insecurity of not being enough for him, you know?

I mean, I know I'm a pretty great person but...I don't know.

I don't know.

The more I think about him, the more I wonder if this is the right kind of thing for me.

I've already established that casual dating can be strenuous on my sanity but at the same time...at least...at least I have someone to hold and care for me.

I don't know if I'd rather be alone or sharing him with other people. In my head, he's not talking to other people but me.

The time he spends with me is time he's not spending with some other girl, if you think about it.

Finals are just around the corner so maybe I won't see him until Christmas rolls around...we'll see. We'll see how things pan or die out.

I haven't cried so hard for half an hour in so long.

I think my body is just really fed up with all of this rejection.

Why doesn't anyone want to be in a relationship?

More specifically, why doesn't anyone want to be in a relationship with me?

SpaceGuy isn't ready for a serious relationship even though I thought the signs were there.

I got too attached too soon.  Again.

Send help.

It's 4pm, I'm in an electronics store with SpaceGuy and 2 other friends.

My laptop charger had short-circuited the night before and I needed it badly to write up my 4 lab reports.  That night, SpaceGuy suggested going to an electronic store to see if they sold it and offered to come with me.  It was all sweet and great until he told me the name of the store.  I froze.  It was the store Pseudo-Prince worked at.  Shit.

I told him about the situation and the sweetheart asked me if I would rather stay in the car and he did everything that needed to be done.  He also playfully suggested I waltz in there with my arm draped around his and then ask about my charger.  In the end, I decided that I needed to be there in the store since I was going to be using a credit card to pay for the charger.

So there we were in the store and I breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't spot my ex anywhere within my line of sight.  Sure enough, he wasn't working that day (or maybe he found another job?  He did tell me he was applying around when we were dating way back in April).

SpaceGuy, despite seeming like the shy, awkwardish type, took charge and did all the talking necessary for me while I stood there with a blank look on my face because I had no idea what the hell to say.  I was impressed.

Being the nice guy that he is, SpaceGuy offered to drive my friends wherever they needed to go and they politely declined since they weren't even sure about what they wanted to do after going to that store.  We said our goodbyes, headed towards his car, and I intertwined my arm around his, eventually slipping my hand into his.

When we got to his place, his dog, Sam, greeted us and she thankfully didn't try to jump on me.  If she had, I would have probably toppled over since she was so big!  

From the corner of my eye, I spotted his aunt holding a puppy.  She came over, extended her hand, and introduced herself with a polite, welcoming smile.  Her hand was soft and the puppy was adorable beyond compare.

We headed up to his room and the first thing I noticed was how high his bed was (FYI: it was also very, very comfortable...), which made sense since he's 6'2" and anything lower would be really inconvenient for him.

Alright, I'm going to say this right now: This is our third date and YES I did ask if I could work on my lab reports for a bit.  Yes, yes, studying/working together is a thing that people usually do with their boyfriends that they've been dating for a while but you know what?  A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  My laptop was dead and I really needed to get a move on with my work.  

For the record, I had asked him if he wanted to do work together prior to our meeting.  I didn't spring the idea on him and disappointed him right then and there, I'm not THAT evil.

I decided to work for an hour or two.  He installed a game on his phone and played it with his left arm wrapped around my shoulders.  At some point, he got up to cook us dinner (which actually tasted pretty good, yay!) which consisted of veggies, rice, and spicy chicken breast.  

He showed me what his favorite show was like (Rick and Morty) while we ate and it reminded me a bit of this other show I watch called Bravest Warriors.

Once our stomachs were full of food, we hopped onto his bed and we put on Bravest Warriors to watch on his desktop.

I climbed into his arms and nestled into his warmth.  This is the closest we'd ever been and we hadn't even kissed yet.

His heart was beating fast, I could hear and feel it.  Both of us were probably wondering when the right time to share a kiss would come.  I was nervous.  What was it going to be like?  How far was I willing to go tonight?  

There were a couple of times where we'd talk and laugh and our faces were pretty near each other, but I'd chicken out,smile, and continue watching the show.  He didn't seem to mind though, he actually enjoyed the show and commented on how he saw how Rick and Morty reminded me of Bravest Warriors.

And then it happened.  After he said something, he smiled, and there was a pause.  Time stood still and we both knew that the kiss was gonna happen.  Not gonna lie, I wasn't sure if it was going to be a huge disappointment since his lips looked pretty thin and my last experience with thin lips was weird (it felt like I was kissing a girl).  

We kissed intermittently until eventually, we got really into it.  We kept pressing our bodies against each other.  Then we pressed closer.  

Closer.  

Closer.  

Closer.  

At some point, we reached a point where we couldn't get any closer but we still kept trying.

My hands were around his face and sometimes, my fingers were tracing the outline of his neck and his back.

His hands were holding me, brushing my thighs, my back.

Our legs were intertwined and I couldn't tell where I ended and he started.

He gave me little kisses on my shoulders and worked his way up--kissing the side of my neck, then my cheeks, and then my mouth. // I decided to stop writing this blog post.

upDATES on the dates. Ha. Hahahah. Ha. Okay.

If you were to tell younger me that I went on 2 dates with 2 different guys on the same day, I would have thought that older me was some sort of social butterfly movie star.  Which, come on, I kind of am, let's be real.

Joking aside, once I got back from both of my dates, I had a lot of things to think about, some of which included "Should I continue seeing these two people at the same time?", "Should I even bother with SelfieGuy?", and more.

Up first we have SpaceGuy and let me tell you, he's such a friendly sweetheart.  He bought my drink and a brioche for us to share.  I really loved the dynamic we had and the only word that comes to mind to describe that date is "innocent".  It was sweet and moved at a lovely pace.

To contrast it with my first date with SelfieGuy: I kissed SelfieGuy on our first date and we interlocked our fingers around the end of the date.  It was nice, I guess but with SpaceGuy, I felt like I really enjoyed the innocence of it all.

I liked that it was still a little uncertain and we were both extremely polite and just...it wasn't crass.  With SelfieGuy, we both had very out there personalities and I think we just kinda bantered like comfortable assholes together.  It's nice to have that, sure, but I feel like that sort of clicking can come later.

I feel like SelfieGuy might be more arrogant, self-absorbed, entitled, and condescending.  Don't get me wrong, we had fun together it's just that those were the vibes I was getting from him.  He also carried himself in a certain way that exuded such characteristics and I really didn't want to be around that kind of person.

SpaceGuy, on the other hand, is more cautious (in a shy way, if you know what I mean) and friendly.  His vibes were softer and I didn't feel like he was being condescending at all.  We shared dreams and thoughts, both of us interested in what the other had to say.

One of the things I was worried about with SpaceGuy was the lack of communication between the both of us.  We hardly chatted/texted before our date and I worried that it was going to be really ridiculously awkward.  I also worried that should the date go super well and I really liked SpaceGuy, would I be okay with someone who didn't talk to me very often?

I know that kind of thing really killed me when I was with Pseudo-Prince.  The constant pining for affection and attention was awful and I dreaded seeing the "Seen" notifications and not getting a reply back.

But then...a miracle happened.  SpaceGuy added me on Facebook and suddenly, out of nowhere, he was extremely chatty with me!  He's been talking to me nonstop here and there throughout the weekend and I really couldn't be happier!

Oh, I should also mention that SelfieGuy and I have come to a mutual agreement that things between us would not work out since his sex drive is way too high for me and I'm just really not comfortable diving into the whole thing just yet.  We wished each other good luck with finding someone who suited our needs and parted ways.  It was all very civil and I don't regret letting him go.

My mind is swirling with SpaceGuy's messages and I'm afraid that I've gotten just a liiiiiiittle bit attached.  I've gotten a little used to seeing his chat head pop up on my phone screen and now the addiction needs to be fueled very often...oh dear.

I've done so well these past few days in terms of not getting attached but now it saddens me to admit that I'm starting to have dreams and fantasies of spending some of my Christmas break with this guy.  Oh no oh no oh no.

I can't get too attached to this guy this soon into the game or I'm just setting my heart up for failure and a world of hurt because I don't even know what this guy is looking for on Tinder.

I should probably ask him what he's looking for soon....probably.....but....I'm having such a nice time talking to him!

Maybe if we talk enough and he enjoys my company, he'll think "Maybe having a relationship with this girl would be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!!" and we'll be a thing after a couple of dates......maybe....who knows.

A girl can dream, a girl can dream!

Dabbling

Quick Aside and Update:

I've decided to not answer Pseudo-Prince's Facebook message and ended up deleting our conversation in its entirety.  Yup, that's right, all my love notes and declarations of love are gone forever.

Why didn't I do this sooner?  ...I didn't know you could delete messages.  In my defense, this seems to be a new feature because when I tried to delete the thread before, it would just end up being archived and that was that.

Anyway, point is that I'm completely, 150% DONE and OVER Pseudo-Prince and none of his charming ways or words could ever win me back.

It feels so good to know that I truly mean that and that I recognize that he was full of shit and probably all talk.  And let's be real, maybe he's trying to come back to me to see if he can still manipulate me or something.

Who knows?  Maybe he is a nice person, but his sweet talking was definitely suspicious.

Aside #2

One thing that I realized about Pseudo-Prince messaging me is that it actually gave me a glimpse at how I would have reacted had an old flame contacted me again once I told myself that I had gotten over them.

Where I'm getting at with this is just that...the guy I was seeing before who was still in love with that girl left me thinking "What would I do if something similar happened to me?  Would I stay with my current boyfriend/person I'm seeing or would old feelings resurface and I wouldn't be able to fight them?"

Interestingly, I reacted to Pseudo-Prince's message the way people give that "Bitch what the fuck is this??" look to other people.  So now I know that if I were in the same position as that other guy did with that girl, then I would still not hurt the person I'm currently dating since it isn't fair.

------------

So I'm going on two dates today with two different guys.  Both are from Tinder, obviously.  Where else would I ever meet someone who would want to date me?  Let's be real here.  Considering my luck with guys, I really don't know when or where I'll ever actually meet someone who'd ask me out and I'd be semi-compatible with.  (Do note that I'm not really downgrading myself or anything, it's just that it's really, REALLY hard to find people).

That aside, let's talk about these boys, hehe.

The first guy I'm seeing is 26 years old and we're going to name him SpaceGuy because we both bonded over space, duh.  I really like that he's the geeky type in this way and he also plays video games.  We both play Portal 2 and agreed that we should totally play it together.  That has yet to happen and I would really love it if my damn internet would function properly so that I could totally bond with SpaceGuy, gawd.

It's really early to say much about him but I do worry that if I do end up choosing to date this guy for realsies (as in, exclusively), I really hope that he talks to me more often because right now, we hardly talk.  We can hold a conversation, ish but I do admit that I spend most of my time talking to the guy I'm going to have dinner with.

SpaceGuy is sweet and a huge cutie.  I really appreciated the fact that he wishes me good night even if we haven't spoken in like an hour or two.  Basically, he'd tell me that he wanted to finish up some homework and then head to bed and I'd be like 'Okay! :)" and that would be that.

I would think that the conversation was dropped (And for a good reason, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this or anything) and I thought that we'd talk the next day...but NOPE.

About an hour or two later, he'd tell me that he was going to bed and wishes me good night!  I think that that is one of the cutest things ever.  It's just nice to know that they still remember you before bed and stuff, you know?

We also exchanged a bunch of cute geeky pickup lines that I really enjoyed and I hope he did too.

The guy I'm seeing for dinner is going to be named SelfieGuy because he wanted us to exchange selfies at least once every day.  I've actually already gone on a date with SelfieGuy before so this dinner thing is going to be our second date.

SelfieGuy seems to be pretty decent as well and he's also 28 years old.  I used to think that 28 was way too old for me to date but I decided "Why not?" when I swiped on it and after we matched, he started the conversation in a really fun way.  We seem to be on the same wavelength in that he's got a certain type of humor that only those who go on Reddit have.  (SpaceGuy also goes on Reddit, just an FYI).

He invited me over to his place for the second date and obviously we all know that sometimes there are underlying sexual implications that come with such an invitation.  Just to be safe, I told him that I wasn't comfortable fooling around just yet and that I was virgin, yada yada, we all know this drill at this point.

Some would argue that I shouldn't bring such a heavy topic up so early in the dating game, but speaking from experience, I think it's a pretty good idea.

First of all, it lets the guy know that we're not actually going to be having sex anytime soon and if he has a problem with that, we can both move on without being too attached to each other.

Second of all, should the guy say that he's fine with holding off sex for an indeterminate amount of time, it's nice to know that they like your personality so much that they're willing to wait for you.  It's interesting.

After telling him all of this, needless to say, this guy was taken way, WAY aback since he has a relatively high sex drive.  He said that it was pretty much an incompatibility with us but he was willing to see if we'd work out.

I guess we'll see how things pan out.

I have yet to tell SpaceGuy the sex thing but it doesn't look like we're heading down that road yet, and I'm not sure if there is even any road for us at all so I guess we'll also see with him!

Note: This post was written yesterday (Friday) and continued a little bit today (Saturday) post-dates.

An update

Yeah I stopped talking to that guy who's still in love with that girl for obvious reasons.

Speaking of people who are still in love with other people....guess who messaged me today out of the blue. Just take a wild, wild guess.

Did you guess Pseudo-Prince? I bet you didn't.

Mhm. That's right. Pseudo-Prince messaged me today telling me that he had "written a speech for [me] and [he] would like to express it in person".

Hm.
HMMMMM.
HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Now, of course, I don't ACTUALLY think he's still "in love" with me since he probably never really loved me in the first place despite the fact that he repeatedly told me he did when we used to date.

I thought he forgot about me. I didn't think he would even remember our time together.

You know what's great? I'm not fazed. I'm not confused, nor am I hoping or wishing that we get back together.

When I read his message, instead of feeling pangs of pain in my heart, my eyebrows just furrowed and I couldn't stop squinting in disbelief.

What does he want? Does he want to apologize for ending things so abruptly? Does he want to ask to get back together?

Well, since it's a "speech", I'm sure there's a "sorry" there somewhere.

...or maybe he wrote me a lecture on why we didn't work out and he feels like he should voice his opinions on how needy I am.

This is really all speculation and I'm trying to think of every possible thing he could ever have written.

I don't care about him anymore and I know that he's ruined a good portion of men for me. (whenever I meet someone who reminds me of him, I grind my teeth and mentally say NEXT)

I'm a really curious person and I'm not sure if I'm curious enough to find out what he has to say.

I feel like I'm in such a good place and that I've moved on so much/well that if he tries to say nice things and asks for me to take him back, I would be able to stand my ground and give him a firm no.

I didn't deserve to be ignored for hours and days.
I didn't deserve to be miserable.
I didn't deserve to think that I was crazy.
I didn't deserve the treatment that I got and the thoughts that came with it.

I don't want to ever date him again and just because I would really love to have a boyfriend right now, I won't succumb to or give in to this urge.

I would rather be lonely than risk being hurt like that again. I couldn't leave my bed for an entire month because of him.

I can't put myself through that again no matter how much of a fairytale the short time we spent together had felt.

Would listening to his speech and then giving him a 'no' feel really great? I mean, I'm not doing it for closure since I have it, I think. I guess you could call it payback.

Is that too evil? Wanting to make him feel rejected? Hm.

I mean, I really don't care. I feel like I can survive if I just completely ignore his message and we just never talk ever again.

But I am curious to know what kind of speech it is.

Hm.

Decisions, decisions.

Lol lol lol lol why lol

Breakfast date was fine. He woke up at 6:45am just for me and said that "[I make] waking up early worth it". The best part? He had no school today.

Yeah, he woke up at 6:45am just to be able to spend a little less than 2 hours with me...with a 2-hr transit ahead of him, no less.

If that doesn't earn him brownie points, I don't know what would.

On a different note, shit hit the fucking fan today.

Regardless of how sweet he is or how much he claims he likes me (which, looking through his actions, is entirely believable), he still has feelings for one of his old crushes.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Fuck.

He told me that he had given up on her and moved on before (I had asked him about a picture I saw of them together before since I was curious and he had told me they never dated, he just liked her).

But yesterday, this girl decided to get drunk and told him that she used to have feelings for him.

Obviously with this new information, his head just screwed the fuck up. Understandable.

My head was also fucked up when I found out that Dat-Bod-Doe thought of our "relationship" as something a little more serious than I had thought he did. (I always thought that maybe he thought of me as some casual summer thing, I couldn't believe that he truly, possibly, had feelings for me)

I had found that out the Friday that just passed and my mind wandered. It wondered if I had done the right thing and if we could have been something so much more had I stayed with him.

Thankfully some sense came to me and I shrugged everything off.

That being said, I can understand how this new guy is feeling. I can imagine what he's going through and it really sucks.

He told me that he was angry at himself for having leftover feelings for this girl and that he felt terrible about it.

He told me that he liked me very much but he just couldn't let go of this girl without knowing if they could ever be something more.

Ouch.

It's like I'm caught between a Rachel and Ross dynamic where I'm just that outsider shit disturber that the audience hates but sympathizes for because how could she know how perfect these two were for each other?

This new guy agreed with one of Rachel's lines that she tells Ross and insinuated that it applied to him and the girl: "It's never off the table."

I'm numb. I'm blank. I'm lost. I don't know.

He told me that we were on the edge of becoming a thing but that this just wasn't the right time.

Right.

Where have I heard "this isn't the right time" before? Oh right, when I was in my first relationship. I used it to describe why we didn't work out.

Just my luck.

They're meeting tomorrow to discuss things since she told him she needed to tell him something. Oh yay.

Fuck my love life.

Hm...

Move over guys, I've decided to focus my energy on one of my Tinder matches (this isn't the sweet Russian guy who got me flowers) and probably no one else. Whoa. I'm getting out of the game and looking to settle down instead of bouncing between random chats with a bunch of different guys.

So far I've gone on two dates with this guy, and tomorrow will mark our third one.

Our first was a breakfast date (his treat) that pretty much put me in a good mood for the rest of the day because of our fun, pleasant conversation.

The second date was a dinner setting (my treat) and a little bit of walking around downtown until we finally reached a coffee shop and decided to station ourselves there and talk 'til a little before 1am.

This guy is really sweet and the amount of times I've caught myself smiling stupidly at the things he says is unfathomable.

He's a francophone and speaks English with me 98% of the time. He sometimes says things in French when he doesn't know how to express himself in English or when I decide to speak French with him.

He's patient with my functional French as I am with his better-than-average-and-omg-that-accent English.

Things seemed to be going smoothly and smart little me decided to maybe push it a little and be slightly more affectionate.

What I mean is, I'd send some sweet texts (can't think of any examples at the moment) a little more frequently just because he made me feel really giddy.

Bad idea. Oops.

We had a little bit of a serious talk for a little while and he told me that things between us were great... And because of that, he was worried he was going to screw things up since he's afraid of commitment.

He asked if we could take things slow since it also seemed like things were in the works of maaaybe starting to move a little fast, which, I mean, was not really that true.

For one thing, we hadn't even held hands yet, we just... Talked. At a distance. I mean, we were walking beside each other and everything on our second date, but his hands were in his pockets the whole time.

Granted, it was cold. I'll give him that.

Anyway, it was true that we were moving a little faster because of the things we said to each other. (No, not dirty things pff, just sweet things like "I like you" and stuff)

He also added something like, "I get the feeling that you really like me and I like you too. I just don't want to hurt you" before he mentioned that commitment scared him I think.

And that was it. Bam. The glass shattered for me.

A switch just flipped in my head and my heart.

I'm in trouble.

No-Flowers, my first ex, had said the exact same thing to me about a month or two before our breakup.

He told me that he couldn't picture us together or getting married (but it's not like I was pressuring him into seeing us getting married or anything). He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and that he always felt really anxious about our impending breakup.

And then he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore.

After two or more months of hearing that from my ex over and over again and experiencing sadness, probably anxiety, and who knows what else that period brought along, my heart turned to stone. I just didn't care anymore.

Every time I heard him tell me about his fears of commitment, I just shut down.

I distanced myself from my sadness and I couldn't take hearing "I don't know if I love you. I think you love me more than I do you. I'm a piece of shit." anymore.

With that in mind, I shut down once again after reading that this new guy had commitment issues.

I'm a patient, loving person. I cater, bend, and conform to and for someone I care about.

But this...I don't know. Something is different. I stopped feeling giddy after reading new guy's text.

It didn't matter that he sent me kiss emojis, I just didn't care anymore.

The weird thing is, I was okay with it when I first read it. I was alright with going at a slow pace for him, it was what I wanted anyway as well. I still am cool with moving at a slow pace.

I guess when it just really sunk into my head, a defense mechanism had awoken in me. I protected my head and my heart from yet another potentially heartbreaking incident.

His sweet words have no affect on me. I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt and whenever he says something nice, I'm always really surprised to read it.

His affectionate emojis are also confusing me a lot since my brain is interpreting "Don't be sweet/cute too often" as "I don't want to be smothered because I don't really like you all that much."

My mind understands that being smothered with affection can be way too much since, believe it or not, that has also scared and turned me off.

I just...I don't know. On some level, a small part of me fears that what happened with No-flowers will be reproduced with this new guy.

I'm scared that he'll wake up one day and over-analyze his feelings.

I'm scared that he is also as insecure as my ex.

I'm scared that I'll have to take care of his self-loathing and have his emotional breakdown take a toll on my mental sanity as well as my health.

I'm writing this out to make sense of how I'm feeling and why...and I'm really hoping it all goes away. I like this new guy and I feel like maybe things could work out.

I guess we'll see how my third date goes tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Flowers! Flowers! Flowers!

Every time one of my best friends sleeps over, I end up re-installing Tinder because, well, it's pretty fun to swipe alongside a friend.  You get to giggle over pretty people and laugh at hilarious bios together.  I say it's a pretty great bonding experience.

About two or three weeks ago (or was it four??), I re-installed the app for the 5th time and have kept swiping since (well, actually, I've been Tinder-clean for about 3ish days).  I'll admit it's pretty addicting and although most would say it's a waste of my time, I would like to say that...okay, I have nothing to say to that.  It is a waste of my time.  I say this because I actually spend a lot of time talking to people and I contribute a lot of things to say in our conversations.

Most who've matched with me have told me that I'm the most interesting person they've talked to on the app and although I should probably take whatever people say with a grain of salt, I can't help but believe them.

A lot of people I've talked to (in real life, not on the app) tell me that it's hard for them to keep up a conversation with someone on Tinder and that things usually die out pretty fast.

I, on the other hand, find it pretty easy to wiggle my fingers and come up with something whimsically different and funny (or at least, I hope it is) which has proven to be fairly effective in capturing people.  Granted, many guys haven't responded back to my messages (damn you people who swipe right on everybody and choose to ignore me), but when they do, the conversation just seems to flow very nicely.

Lately, I've been chatting with some guys I've matched with on Tinder and at one point, I had 5 of them talk to me all at the same time.  Now, keep in mind that I'm a talkative person and I actually like having some good back-and-forth with people...so these were five FULL conversations.

To top it all off, THREE MORE PEOPLE started texting me again...so my grand total of guys who were trying to contact me was 8.  EIGHT.  My life had never been so hectic.

I decided to uninstall Tinder (as one of my friends had advised me to) a couple of days ago so that I could focus on studying a little more.  Being the nice person I am, I couldn't just leave the guys on Tinder hanging so I told them that I was going to go AWOL but didn't offer up my number.

I still haven't even checked for a reply from them either, whoops.  Oh well.

Meanwhile, my phone was still buzzing with texts from other guys who wanted to meet up with me this weekend.  I decided to have a study date with one of them and blew off the other guys since I knew they probably wouldn't be able to sit next to me and be okay with being ignored.

Okay, I know that sounded pretty bad but hear me out: The other guys are out of school (since they had already graduated or stopped) so if I were to have a study date with them, well, it'd just be me studying next to them while they did I don't even know what.

The guy I went on a study date with is still in school and he also has midterms this week.  Ain't nobody got time to not study.  I figured he'd be like me and be able to just appreciate having someone to sit next to and talk to while taking study breaks. Plus, I told him that I was only going to go on a study date with him if we actually studied.

My friend had invited herself to my study date and really, at this point so close to my midterms, I couldn't afford any distractions.

I knew that studying with a boy meant that I would have probably been really distracted, so I let her sit with us.  Best.  Decision.  Ever.

I know I sound like a horrible person for having a third wheel on a "date", but I warned the guy beforehand and, well, midterms.  

I know that if the tables were turned, I'd be a little crushed about not being able to spend alone time with my date, but at the same time, I wouldn't fret over it because, again, midterms.

Anyway, this was my first time meeting this guy and I wasn't sure if I was nervous about it or not.  We got along pretty well when we texted and I had talked to him on the phone before.  He has a thick Russian accent and the pronunciation of some of his words is pretty amusing and I don't mean that in a mocking way at all.

He's a huge sweetheart and a geeky nerd of sorts...and actually bought me my first bouquet of flowers!

I had never told him that no one had ever given me flowers and that I secretly pined for them every time I started seeing someone.  I had, however, told him that I loved surprises.  It was more of a thing in passing than a hint since I have learned over time that hints do not work.  Ever.  Well, except maybe this time with this guy.

I was speechless when he handed me the flowers.  I couldn't believe it.  Was this reality?

"Wh-what?  I...why?  What?  Uh...WHAT?" was how I decided to thank him. (I actually did say thank you at some point though!)

He smiled and said, "Well, you did say you liked surprises."

Although the gesture was sweet, I still couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed to have a bouquet of flowers...in the library.  Where was I supposed to put it??  I ended up resting it on the bench of our booth-like study space.

I led him to our spot with the flowers in my hands.  I was still in shock.  I wasn't expecting him to do such a thing for me, and now I felt like I needed to like him.  The pressure was on.

I'm not really sure how to describe his cologne but one thing's for sure: I wasn't really a big fan.  In fact, I kinda wish I had a fan, if you know what I mean.  In all seriousness, it just wasn't really my type of smell and I think it may have had a small influence in the way I perceived his attractiveness.

He was a good sport and let me study while he studied as well.  I had stayed at the library for a little over 12 hours in total today and he managed to stick with me for 10 hours (I had gotten there 2 hours before him so that I could get a little studying done alone so that I could get into a little studying groove).

He was a little awkward every time one of my friends randomly spotted me and came over to say hi, which was understandable but it still wasn't marked down as very good in my books.  Two of my friends told me that I needed someone who was outgoing and friendly with people and I always thought that although that seemed like a good match, I could deal with someone a little more introverted.  Oh how I was wrong.

That isn't to say that I want to date someone loud, on the contrary, I actually think someone loud who overpowers my loudness would be a little troublesome.  Generally, when I'm with other loud people, I automatically and subconsciously tend to get a little quieter and I don't really like that.

In person, I still sort of got along with him but I had a feeling in my gut.  I knew he wasn't The One and I knew that I didn't want to date him.  Still, he had gotten me flowers.  He was a sweetheart.  I thought that maybe I could give him a chance and see if we were compatible.

At the end of the date, he decided to take the metro with me instead of an express bus home, again, very sweet.  I found myself to be very chatty on the metro ride home not because I had a lot to say and I wanted to make conversation but because I was very nervous.

I was nervous that he'd take advantage of the quietness between us and would try to lean in and kiss me.  I didn't want to kiss him.  I still don't.

Actually, when we first met up, I think I saw him contemplate giving me a kiss hello. I tried to divert his thoughts to other things, so I threw my arms up to greet him. That's when I realized that was also an invitation for a hug.

My thought process was literally: Distract him with arms!! Oh...oh crap, this is hug arms...oh...oh it's happening. It's happening, it's happening. Okay. Don't kiss me. Don't... Okay, good. Ohmygod our cheeks touched.

As we said our goodbyes that day, I wondered if he was going to kiss me goodbye as well...to which the little voice in my head said NO. (And thank God he didn't)

I'm sure he's going to be an amazing boyfriend to some other girl, but I know that I'm just not feeling any particular chemistry with him and I'm really not sure how to go about telling him that.

I don't want to slowly phase him out and talk to him less and less as the days go by but I also don't want to string him along and hurt his feelings.  He's pretty much the clingy type (he literally told me he was a little 'possessive'), I think and I'm afraid that he's already fallen a little too much for me.

Also, my shallowness is kicking in and I think I can really conclude that I like taller  guys.  5'9" and above is a nice height.  I went on a date with another short guy a week or two ago and I think he was 5'6 1/2, which was cool, I guess.  

I mean, kissing him was an interesting experience (he had surprised kissed me by randomly grabbing me and pulling me in close.  I had always wanted someone to do that to me!) since his lips were so accessible and I didn't really have to get on my tippy toes.  Anyway, he's a story for another day.

Point is, I got flowers from a super sweet guy and I'm not attracted to him so I feel kinda bad.

I'm not crying, you're crying.

One day, 

whether you are 

14, 28, or 65

you will stumble upon

someone who will start 

a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,

most awful truth

you will ever come to find-

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives

- Beau Taplin

♥

Home is not where you are from,

it is where you belong.

Some of us 

travel the whole 

world to find it.

Others,

find it in a person.

- Beau Taplin | The Explorers

Cradle my heart,
Calm my tears,
Color my days,
Crumble my fears.

Call me Princess
Call me Dear
Call me Love
Call me when you're near.

You're tangling my hair,
You're wrinkling my nose,
You're holding me close,
You're my home away from home.

Reality steps in
Wake up.
Wake up.
WAKE UP.

Dreams.
They're just dreams.

Phenomenal Woman

By Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Dating with an expiration date

A few weeks ago, a couple of family members of mine came to visit for a week and I, of course, had a girl talk with my cousin.

At that point, I was still hung up on Dat-Bod-Doe and thinking of him just yanked at my heartstrings. Hard. Kinda. I gave her a brief rundown of my time with him and then ended it with "casual dating is so not for me. I don't understand it when people say that they just want to look for fun. I mean, why start something that you know is going to end? What's more, why are you accepting heartbreak right from the get-go?"

To these questions, she answered, "They don't have to end in heartbreak. Plus, everything has to end at some point."

And then it dawned on me: it's true, they don't have to end in heartbreak. Not everybody gets as attached as I do, and if they do, people can just outrun the relationship and have it fizzle up peacefully.

I guess I've already known this but I never actually REGISTERED it in my mind. I couldn't imagine myself getting into a relationship just to enjoy someone's company but have it dissipate into nothing without either one of us getting hurt.

What are the chances of even having such a breakup? Do you stay friends afterwards or do you both agree you're sick of each other's presence and you just ignore each other? I'm guessing it's the former and you're probably really good friends at that point since you guys have had nice moments together.

I remember thinking that casual dating was something I could get the hang of and that it was part of growing up. You needed a certain mindset to be able to deal with (or just..not care about) other people who don't want to invest much in you as you don't them.

And then I read something online that said, "I know I'm growing up because now I just want to settle down. I just want to date a respectable girl instead of having fun with multiple girls." or something along the lines of that.

And then it hit me again: I wasn't growing up by adopting a new funfunfun mindset, I was going backwards! What would I have done if I got to a point where commitment scared me at the age of 29?

That isn't to say that those who have adopted such a mindset are going backwards, nor does it suggest that what they're doing is wrong.

In some respects, I've grown up by exploring this new aspect of dating since it's made me reaffirm my wants and needs as a commitment-driven person. I've gotten a lot of it out of my system and I've felt like it was something to experience at least once in my life. Conclusion: Traditional dating is where it's at for me and that will probably not change for me.

It's hard to stay away from hookup culture since there are all these people who are readily available to make you feel good (whether physically or emotionally) but instant gratification can leave you feeling so empty. At least, it leaves me feeling empty at the end of the day.

It would just be nice to be with someone and then be with them more and more and more and know that they want to be with you more and more and more.

I've tried to build this strong character and the more I stand by my values, the more I can feel myself really getting into it. I may feel more lonely now but I'm sure it'll all be worth it in the long run.

SOS

SOUND THE ALARM, GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Dat-Bod-Doe saw my snapstory and it included the name tag I sported when we worked together earlier this summer.  I had randomly found it around the house and decided to post it to my story for the nostalgia since I still find it funny that I was known as "Elise" for a very brief amount of time.

Now, him seeing my story isn't anything new.  From time to time, he would check it out but nothing would really happen (except for my own mental hyperventilation).

This time, however, he sent me a message on snapchat...and then I replied...and he replied right back....and, well, you get the idea.  I won't confirm or deny any flirting but let's just say there was some giggling happening.

Memories are flooding my mind.  Working with him was so pleasant, I remember him telling me all about his secret attraction to me like it was yesterday.

Remember what I said in this blog post about being quick to remove my foot from my values once I start thinking about all the good times we've had together?  Ugh, it's happening again.  I can't help it.  My heart tied itself in knots while we talked (very light knots, nothing too strong) and I couldn't stop picturing us kissing.

In my defense, he is by far the best kisser I've ever encountered.  He's done everything I've ever dreamed of and then some!  Man oh man, this guy has probably ruined a good portion of men for me because I don't think many people can top that experience.

Sometimes when we'd kiss, our noses would graze each other and we'd put things on pause and just nuzzle them together lovingly.  After that, we'd stare into each other's eyes and then share soft pecks that could only be described as the equivalent to bouncing on marshmallows.  I'd close my eyes and my heart would smile and leap while all this would be happening.  I know I've mentioned the nose nuzzling like 237638123 times but that's just how special it is to me.  It's a sign of adoration that just gets me every time.

I'm not saying I just had a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope that we'd start something up again and potentially turn it into something serious but I'm not denying it either.

Realistically, this isn't going to happen.  At all.  Ever.  Plus, I need to remember that this guy took 20 days to reply to my breakup message and that we're definitely not compatible people.

laksjdcoiejalskjdfieja I can pull through this.  Yup.  Uh huh.  Doing it right now.  RIGHT NOW.

Making Out with Strangers

Last night, I went out with a couple of friends from my program and needless to say, we got pretty inebriated.  That's right, Ms. Goody-two-shoes got #WhiteGirlWasted and my inhibitions were way down.  That is not to say that I didn't have any common sense and I was still shy to a certain extent.

I was still pretty freaked out when one of my friends pulled a How I Met Your Mother move at the bar and used the ol' "Haaave you met [name]?" trick with a couple of cute (ish) guys sitting next to us.  I think they were more into her (ah the perks of being a blond girl) than they were in me and I was totally fine with that.  As the night progressed, I noticed that they got more interested in the things I had to say and asked me pretty good questions about my program.

Fast forward into the night and my friends and I are pretty drunk.  I don't remember how I stopped talking to the two guys but that happened and I was completely fine with that since they weren't really all that interesting to begin with.  I got onto the dance floor and I shook that thang that my mama gave me.

Having consumed so much liquid, I obviously had to go pee and I successfully wobbled upstairs, did my business, washed my hands, steadied myself at the top of the stairs and nonchalantly made my way back to the dance floor.  I wasn't gone for too long (I've been told that I'm a fast bathroom-goer) and to my surprise, I noticed one of my friends (the blond one) glued to a random stranger.

Their hips swayed together to the music and their arms were wrapped around each other.  Every now and then, I'd see them smooching while their bodies rocked from side to side.  Meanwhile, I danced with another friend who hadn't found a guy to do shenanigans with and she was pretty bummed out about that.

Flashback to the time we went to this other bar/club and none of the girls had any physical interaction with anyone despite a lot of mingling at different sections of the dance floor.  I remember hearing my blond friend say, "Ugh we didn't even get to make out with anyone tonight!"

Flashback #2 to the time when that same blond friend told me that she made out with a random guy when she went to this beach party hosted by our university and so did plenty of other people who attended.

Seeing as I'm a really intense person who really can't do anything casual, I can't understand why people do such a thing.  Sure, kissing is nice but how much can you get out of it if you're not even dating this person?

When I kiss someone, I do it to establish an emotional connection with them (or I try to) and, well, I do hope to be able to do it more than once.  Granted, it'd be super cool if I could be a wild young adult and make out with a random stranger (who hopefully doesn't have herpes) just for the heck of it at least once but I really don't see the point in actively going out to bars and doing this on a regular basis.

I can understand that life can get lonely and sometimes you just really want someone to kiss but wouldn't you feel so empty once you get home and realize that that was just a one-time thing?  Okay I just realized that people probably also exchange numbers so that they could hook up later...and then we get into a whole other discussion about participating in activities when you're not in a serious relationship...which I will not go into right now.

I guess I'm having a little bit of trouble seeing how kissing can be enjoyable between people who don't have any emotional attachment to each other.  Is it because in that moment, you feel kinda loved?  You feel special because someone thinks you're attractive enough to want to have your mouth glued to their mouth?

Little hopeless dreamer me just can't wrap my head around this whole scene.  In my mind, kissing can be so much more intense/beautiful/passionate/magical if there are feelings involved.  I never really realized how traditional and different I am until I've explored being a young adult with a different crowd of people.

Like I mentioned in one of my previous blog posts, I've noticed that I've lost sight of what I truly want with a guy (i.e. a stable, serious relationship) since I've been delving a little too much in this new hookup culture scene (not that I've really been hooking up with people but I've been associating with a lot of people who do participate in such things).

I don't get why people wouldn't want someone by their side to love and be loved by.  It's just so pleasant and always makes my day so much brighter since I'm laughing so much more than I usually do.

People are confusing and weird but hey, they probably think I'm just as confusing and weird.  Whatever.

How do you even

Having been in theatre and radio, you'd think I'd be able to carry myself confidently at all times no matter the situation but NOPE, apparently I tend to spazz out when shit starts getting real.

I hate to think that I have trust issues, especially after writing that I haven't lost my naivety a couple of blog posts back...but I can't deny being slightly cynical.

It's weird to think that I can be so sure of myself yet at the same time, find it hard to believe that someone is expressing interest in me. I guess I got used to all the rejection in high school, you know? I never thought I'd get this far with someone who actually thinks I'm something else.

Every guy I've been with, I've had that awkward stage: the one where I'm nervous and jumpy and so unsure of where to place myself. What do you think of me? Do you really like me? Me? No seriously, me? Oh you did that for me? Did you really? Why would you do that for me? Why are you being so nice to me? Wait why don't you like someone else? They're prettier and probably more pleasant.

From my days of "Sorry, I don't like you in that way", I've learned that if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. Plain and simple. Every time I've initiated something or decided to be bold and daring, things never went my way (Well... I was sneakily bold and daring with Dat-Bod-Doe and that worked out in my favor) but I guess I still can't help myself from paving the way for that special someone. I throw so many bones, it's ridiculous how they can't even come up with a clever pickup line to accompany them.

The worst thing to experience is mixed signals. It seems like they're interested but are you really? Oh look, we're going in for a hug but is that going to be it? Am I supposed to lean in for a kiss or are you going to do that if you want one? Are you waiting for me to give you the green light for something?

This is why I like dating assertive guys. I remember Maxi-Man had a bit of trouble being assertive and I helped him be more out there and take initiative. That was interesting.

Ideally, it'd be cool if someone could just grab my hand, spin me into them, and plant the most sensual kiss I've ever experienced on my lips. Ah what an experience that would be!

Anyway, that was an interesting tangent.

I feel like maybe I'm also suspicious and nervous a lot because I worry that things aren't genuine. I mean, I got along with Banter-Buddy so well and then all of a sudden, he was able to take it all away from me in the blink of an eye just because I wasn't giving him sex. Pseudo-Prince could have also been guilty of sweet talking me, telling me things I only ever dreamed of hearing.

So what then, pray tell. How can you trust that someone is being just as genuine as you are if anyone can just say anything to you in order to manipulate you into their own games?

Okay whoa, I didn't mean to get all dark there since I'm usually 100% all for leaps of faith and jumping into the unknown but it's something interesting to think about it.

Kiss me passionately, kiss me slowly

Kissing is so interesting to think about.  One moment, you could be passionately, aggressively going at each other's lips and the next moment, the rhythm has drastically changed and you're both melting into each other's presence.

I had a discussion about the topic with a friend of mine and I asked her which she preferred: Making out or soft, little kisses.  Her answer?  The latter.  Intriguingly enough, another friend of mine agreed with the choice.

I remember sharing my first drawn-out kiss with someone and thinking Wow...that was amazing and so magical.  Why have we not done this sooner?  There's just something about them that makes them feel so special and intimate.  With the right person at just the right moment, sometimes it can feel like one of those romantic scenes in a movie where the two people FINALLY get to kiss each other and the camera pans around to give you a 360 view of their smooch.  The best part of it all is the sweet nose nuzzling that happens at the end.  Aahh those little nose caresses really send my heart soaring and set the butterflies in my stomach aflutter.

On the other hand, experiencing intense kisses that leave you panting for more is definitely something else.  The pin-you-up-against-the-wall-as-my-hands-snake-around-your-body kiss is drop-dead amazing and it doesn't necessarily have to be up against a surface...or done vertically.  Chests heaving, both parties are able to enjoy something fiery and wild that will surely send both your heads spinning by the end of it.  You know that scene in We Are The Millers where they're trying to teach the guy how to kiss and Jennifer Aniston has a little trick up her sleeve?  Oh yeah, I've had that eye-widening Mm! moment.

Comparing these two enjoyable styles, I really can't decide which one I'd prefer.  I think timing is definitely key in all of this and if you can, I'd totally recommend orchestrating a blend of both!  Doing something hot and heavy and then transitioning that into something fluid with a lower tempo can really be beautiful.

For a first kiss, I've read numerous articles that say not to automatically plunge your tongue into someone else's mouth and that's just to be respectful.  I think starting out with soft pecks and then working your way to gentle licking is quite enjoyable.

Slow kisses can also do a quick 180 and turn into something rough in the blink of an eye by simply pressing in a little more, breathing in deeply, and gradually moving your lips a little faster.

Isn't it just fascinating how we can change a mood or the atmosphere by merely controlling our breathing?

There are also little things/gestures people do that can make a kiss so much more special.  For example, someone could guide your chin to their mouth with their index finger or they could gently hold your face with both of their hands while you two lock lips.  The former makes my heart beat that much faster and the latter chokes me up because it makes me feel so loved. 

You could also change things up and move your hands elsewhere.  Positioning them on different areas of someone's body can make them feel a plethora of different emotions that can include explosions and fireworks.  Each touch can evoke an old, pleasant memory and each caress can encourage a new one to form.  Tender strokes and fingers tracing the outline of your body can send chills up and down your spine like never before.

I hadn't thought of kissing as a full-body experience before jumping into the dating scene but after giving it a lot of thought, I can't see how anyone could say it isn't!

C...losure?

As I write this post, I have no idea how I'm feeling.  Is it indifference?  Melancholy?  Who knows?  My body was so confused, it pretty much resorted to crying because when in doubt, just cry.  Flawless logic, am I right?

Today, at 1pm, I finally received a reply back from Dat-Bod-Doe.

My phone buzzed, I stirred.  I then heard the ding notification that tells me someone messaged me on Facebook.  I groggily reached over and grabbed my phone, accepting that it was time to wake up, no matter how much I wanted to slink back into my dark bliss.

I sifted through most of my 18 notifications and decided to check Messenger.  After replying to 2 people, I selected the next chathead and wondered who it was since I didn't recognize the photo.  After opening up the conversation, my eyes were overwhelmed with a wall of text.  Confused, I checked out the named of the sender and my eyes immediately widened.  I held my breath.  After 20 days of being ignored, I finally got something back from Dat-Bod-Doe.

Isn't it coincidentally funny that he decided to message me the day after I posted "A reminder"?  That seemed to happen quite a few times while we dated, actually.  He would usually message me right when I would grumble about him to friends, making me think I should complain about him more often to get him to talk to me more.

His response was actually very nicely written.  For a moment, I completely forgot how long ago I had broken up with him, it felt like it had just happened the day before.

The way he worded it humanized him a great deal.  For so long, I just heard "He's an assohole." from my friends and that's all I could picture.  For 20 days, he was a heartless guy who couldn't care less whether we were together or not. For all I know, he could still be that guy and truth be told, I probably cherish our good moments more than he does.  But then again, that's just the way I am with everyone.  But anyway, that's besides the point.

What I was trying to get at was the fact that I had seen him in this black and white light--he was a dick and that was that.  I had forgotten that he was also a person who also enjoyed spending time with me...at least that's what he claimed in his reply.  I had assumed that everything that had happened between us was all fake or that he was possibly seeing someone else simultaneously.  I mean, I wasn't having sex with him, maybe he was getting his fix elsewhere?

In his message, he said everything I needed him to say and then some.  He sounded kind, understanding, and he owned up to being a jerk for not answering sooner.

My mind is thankful for the content of the reply since it's enough for closure but it's still a little confused.  I don't feel depressed nor do I feel angry about it all...and that's what's confusing.  I feel like I should care more about it or I should heave a huge sigh and feel a bit of freedom, yet I feel nothing.

A reminder

People can be pretty shitty

Unfortunately, I'm not unfamiliar with people ignoring my messages or calls.  Below, I shall "briefly" include my encounters with such behavior.

Part 1

A) Pseudo-Prince

Ah Mr. I-said-I-love-you-first, I'll never forget how much my heart dropped when you started pulling away from me.  If I tried calling him and he didn't pick up (he never picked up), he wouldn't call me back or message me asking why I called.  

I would get a reply** hours and hours later...sometimes days later.  Everything was so sporadic, I couldn't understand what was happening since we talked and skyped for hours the previous week...and suddenly, everything just stopped.  

Honeymoon phase?  Nope.  He killed it.  Brutally.

**Note: The messages/texts I sent were very sweet and not at all naggy.

e.g. After a long day of no contact because my ex was working really hard for summer school, I decided to send the following text to him: 

"Hey sweetie, I know you're going to bed now but I'm not going anytime soon.  I just wanted to tell you I love you and I believe in you!  Keep studying hard!  Hope your dreams are as sweet as you. :)" 

Guess who didn't even say "thank you" or "I love you" back?  At all.  Ever.

B) Dat-Bod-Doe

Guess who still hasn't replied to my break-up message?  Yup, Mr. Ridiculously-Gorgeous-Blue-Eyes.  I wanted to call things off with him in person but DBD kept ignoring my messages AND texts whenever I would try to make plans with him.  What other choice did I have?  

Two days after he flew to Texas, I decided I couldn't prolong my pain any longer and just had to sever our (extremely loose) ties.  I wiggled my fingers and spent a lot of time trying to find a way to phrase what I had to say in a way that wasn't accusing, rude, or full of blame.  I wrote him a civil message telling him that I needed someone more engaging and something more serious than what we had and that I couldn't continue seeing him if things were just going to stay the way they were at that point.

I know that there really isn't much to say to a message like that...but I would have at least appreciated a little acknowledgement or something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I wish you the best as well."

Part 2

Remember when I mentioned Banter-Buddy in this blog post?  I realized I never actually shed some light on how things ended.

Ready?  Okay, here we go: 

• We matched on Tinder
• Talked a lot and really clicked
• He mentioned he was looking for a fuck buddy who could offer intellectual conversation (...so a girlfriend....but without the commitment or care....uh huh.)
• I declined the offer
• We continued talking for hours and hours and discovered many common interests
• I thought we could be really good friends 
• Thought process: Since he already had other fuck buddies, I could offer the intellectual conversation part and it wouldn't really make much of a difference.  I was like a fluffer of sorts except I was only stimulating his mind.
• We were supposed to watch something on Netflix together (but in our own respective homes. We were going to stream the movie at the same time on our computers)
• I made last-minute plans with friends and ended up coming home too late to stream the movie 
• We talked the next day and he suggested trying again that night 
• He made last-minute plans with friends and never got back to me ever again

Yup, that's right, after going out with his friends (or maybe he just lied to me?), he pretended like I didn't exist anymore.  He never responded to my texts and didn't pick up my calls either.  Obviously, leaving me hanging like that made me feel awful.  I felt kinda empty and the lack of conclusion really bothered me.  I needed closure and I didn't get it even though I straight up asked him for it (I told him that if he was going to ignore me from then on, he could have at least had the courtesy to tell me.  He never responded to that text either).

That being said, surprise!  There's actually a part B to the whole Banter-Buddy story. 

• Friend was looking for sex
• I was tipsy
• Brilliant idea: Hook up friend with Banter-Buddy!!11!1!!!1!1!1
• Thought process: She wanted sex, he wanted sex.  I needed closure.  Okay, okay, okay, you caught me, I had a teeny, tiny bit of a crush on him (VERY TINY) and, well, if my friend had sex with him, then I had more reason to stop thinking about him.  Win-win-win at the temporary expense of my feelings.
• Friend kept asking me (when I sobered up) if it was okay if she did it with him and tried to make sure she wasn't jeopardizing our friendship 
• I gave her the green light, texted him about her, and sent him a snap of her
• He replies all eager and friendly 
• He explains that he ignored me because he "didn't have time for friends" but if I ever wanted to hook up, he's available. 
• He also asks for more snaps from me because he "miss[ed] [my] cute face".  Yeah.  *Scoffs*
• I go to Osheaga
• They have sex later that day
• He texts me "I fucked your friend." with a smirky emoticon
• I reply with two thumbs up because what else am I even supposed to say?  I'm just trying really hard to not care.
• He responds with "You could at least pretend to be happy for me" 
• He also proceeds to tell me that "we should start talking again because [I'm] cool." 
• Lol Osheaga? More like, OShitga
• After a couple of deep breaths, I managed to shake off my heebie jeebies and sort-of enjoy Osheaga. :)

Even though the entire ordeal was really sucky to deal with, I can confidently say that I do have closure about Banter-Buddy.  I don't talk to him anymore and I really am better off without him.  He may not want to allot time for me since I'm not offering him sex but that's fine with me.  I really don't have time for that fake shit.  

Addendum: My friend recently informed me that a lot of the things he told me were lies.  No surprise there.  I won't go into a lot of detail but she told me that the things he did/said did not match up with what I told her.  He was just all talk, basically.  *shrug*

Related

Another friend of mine chatted with this guy for a month or two (or more?) and they were supposed to meet up for...activities.  She told me that she invested a lot of time talking to this guy and when the day came, he hadn't contacted her to confirm their plans...And that was it.  She hasn't heard from him since.  

It was Banter-Buddy all over again with the exception that she was willing to provide the services he wanted.  She is so stumped, angry, and lost.  

And then I have this other friend whose (now ex) boyfriend never started conversations with her.  He thought talking on the phone was weird and he hardly ever texted her.

People suck.  Having gone through the stuff mentioned above and having my dear friends go through shitty things as well has made me lose sight of the hopeless romantic in me.

I forgot what a relationship felt like and more importantly, I forgot what it was like to be treated with respect.

But just because a handful of people are shitty, that doesn't mean everyone else is just as shitty

A couple of days ago, I had a board game night with a couple of friends from high school.  Three of the girls were taken and two (including me) were not.  

One of the girls' boyfriend had called her that night to tell her his whereabouts and his activities since (if I remember correctly) she asked him to.  After talking for a couple of minutes, she ended the call with "I love you" and it hit me: I hadn't heard or said that phrase in such a long time.  

Suddenly, I remembered what it felt like to be in a stable relationship.  I remembered how nice it was to have someone care for your well-being.  I remembered how happy I felt talking to a boyfriend after a long day at school.

Hours later, he called again.  Memories flooded my head.

Another one of the girls also received a call from her boyfriend.  Again, her call ended with "I love you."  

Last night, I was out with 2 of the girls from that board game night with one other girl and when we sat down to play Scrabble, the boyfriend who had called one of the girls the other night called her that night as well.  I overheard her say "Umm yeah I think I'll still be awake in an hour.  Sure, you can call back then."  Obviously, this call also ended with the three little words.

Bam.  Just like that, all of these calls reminded me that functional relationships do exist.  

They made me realize that I lost sight of what I wanted and that I had forgotten how much I missed talking to someone on the phone before bed.  I missed hearing about someone's day and telling them all about mine, no matter how uneventful.

I've been so caught up with having fun that I forgot one of phrases I used to constantly tell people and myself: Good things come to those who wait.  

I genuinely, naively, and wholeheartedly believe that there is good in this world and that there are people out there that will love us the way that we love them and then some.

I'm reassured about my dreams and desires because I have living proof that they exist.  I may not have them now but I will sometime in the future, whenever that will be.

It's hard to hold onto what you believe in and what you truly want when all your other friends are different.  The girls in my program are more sex-driven and I know that a lot of people our age are mostly looking to have fun, that's totally fine.

Though I'm easily swayed and influenced, I know that I can now stand my ground with what I'm looking for. I'm okay and I feel fine.  Let's hope I keep this up.

Watch out, Prince Charming, a goofball is coming your way and she wants to settle your ass down.  (LET ME LOVE YOU)