An Open Letter

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I'm sad.  I wish you were here.

I'm not sure if I'm broken, but I know I have things to work on.  Some of these things were issues I didn't think I had but after reflecting a little more on my body language and the way I handle situations, I've realized that they were just really well hidden.

I need to learn to accept that I do deserve to have good things happen to me and that these "good things" are actually just nice things that courteous people do.

The other day, I remember telling someone some of the nice things SpaceGuy did for me that I really appreciated and she stopped me from saying anything further.  She said, "These are really normal things.  You're not asking for much, don't accept anything less because YOU'RE WORTH IT."

And just like that, I wanted to cry.  I realized right then and there that I really wasn't asking for much.  I wasn't asking for a huge stretch of effort, I wanted someone who respected me and who wanted to take care of me the way I'd want to care for them.

I need to learn that I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want or what I deserve. It's been really hard to accept and especially to realize, and I'm still not completely there yet, but I'm working on it, I swear.

I need to learn that I am just as important when it comes to pleasure and that some people genuinely do want to make you feel good because they do think you're worth it.  

Not only am I just as important, I am also just as attractive as they describe me to be.  I shouldn't be so skeptical when they compliment me because I really am a sight to see.  It may not feel like it when I go out, since I pale in comparison to some, but I am beautiful in my own way.

I promise I'll believe you when you compliment me because I know you'll be just as genuine about it as I will be to you.

I promise that no matter how many bad experiences I've gone through, I won't feel jaded over love.  I'm too much of a hopeless romantic and a dreamer and that probably won't change.

True, I've grown more wary when it comes to dating and I'm getting a little afraid of getting attached because boy, once I latch on, I really latch on.  I apologize in advance for smothering you with love, I just have a lot of it to give.

I haven't gotten to the point where I'm completely terrified of commitment and I do hope that once I find you—or you find me—you won't be either.

I want to bake you things and make you laugh so hard, you can't breathe.  I want to interlock my fingers within your fingers and feel all warm inside because of the connection that we have.

I really wish I had that now.  I really wish I had you.

I guess it really isn't time for us to meet and maybe it's because we both have things to work on.

I don't know if I've lost myself in my search for you.  I don't know who I am anymore or what my values are.  I used to identify as bubbly, lovable, confident, and with a can-do attitude.  Now...now I don't know.  I'm still those things but maybe I've grown up a little bit.

Maybe my skepticism and sense of defeat have clouded a couple of things in my mind and my hopelessness is so depressing that I've lost some of my spark/spunk.

Today, I thought back to one of my previous blog posts involving some high school friends and their loving boyfriends and I realized, again, that I lost sight of what a functioning relationship could look like.  Furthermore, I forgot that I was looking for something like that.

I've spent so much time dating guys who really weren't relationship material that I had forgotten what it was like to have a loving partner.

I really do want someone I can call on my walks home and chat about their day, their thoughts, some epiphanies that they had earlier that day.

For now, I promise to study really hard and enjoy my time with my friends. I really appreciate all the support I get from them and I don't know what I would do without them.  They're so friendly and loving, you're gonna have so much fun with them, I swear!

I really hope you can let loose and be silly with them as you can/will be with me!  If there's absolutely one thing I'd have to pick to be extremely important to me, that'd be that you get along with my friends and that you impress them.

Although I may be sad that I don't have you, I am eternally grateful to have them by my side.  They make life so much happier and I hope that once you enter my life, they'll make your days just as bright as they do mine.  BUT YOUR EYES ARE ONLY FOR ME OK?  OK.  GOOD.  Glad we agree.

I promise to work on loving myself and being so independent, you'd think I was too cool for you.  I promise to be there when you have your lows and above all, I promise to love you even when you eat the last cookie I had been saving for later munching.  Okay wait, that seems a little too generous on my part, how could you eat the last cookie knowing full well I was saving it? :(

There, our first fight.  It's okay, I forgive you.

I forgive and forget a lot, it's part of my nature.  You'll see me do that a lot and you might not understand why I let people back into my life, but I do it anyway.

I want to develop a loving relationship with you and have it be so layered, it'll be like a blanket fort. Can we have Christmas lights in the fort? We're gonna have Christmas lights in the fort, I've decided.

I look forward to meeting you and seeing where life takes us and making new memories with you. I hope I can make you laugh and smile just as much as you probably will make me.

Until then,
Goofball