When you do stupid things and come out with even more things to think about...

Despite having cried over SpaceGuy, I decided to go on another date with him because....because....I don't know.

Recap: He didn't necessarily hurt me per se, he just told me that things between us were great as they were and that he wasn't ready for anything serious. I also asked him what serious meant to him and he said that being serious meant being exclusive. Hm.
I asked him if I should just forget about having feelings for him and he said that I shouldn't have them if they'll lead me to wanting something a little more serious in the near future. How near is 'near'? No idea.

I mean, I'm cool with taking things really slow and not being anything serious before jumping into a relationship, that makes sense...but if it's never going to lead anywhere, should I even bother?

He said that he's not someone that I would want to love and that he wouldn't be someone I deserved (in that I'd deserve someone much better than him).

I don't know what I want with him. I mean, I've wanted a boyfriend for so long and it'd be great to be exclusive. I'm not sure how I feel about not being exclusive right now.

I'm kind of a jealous type even though it's a little hypocritical of me since I did talk to other guys while I was talking to SpaceGuy online.

I don't know.

To complicate things even more, I stayed the night at SpaceGuy's place because we were both too tired and too lazy to get me home at 1am.

It was nice, we cuddled a little before sleeping and I snored all night long.

We didn't have sex, but we were close to sealing that deal in the morning. Yep.

I've always said that I wanted to do it for the first time with someone I loved and at one point during my time with him, I was assessing how comfortable I'd be if I lost my virginity to him that night.

I know/knew that impulse decisions aren't always the right decisions to make so I withheld from having sex with him.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too rational/smart about these things and if I should be a little looser and let myself live a little.

He's sweet but I don't think I'd enjoy the idea of losing my virginity to someone I wasn't even exclusive with, no matter how caring he seems or how hot and heavy things had gotten.

And trust me, things were pretty steamy.

I enjoy my time with him but then again, I'm not sure if my judgement is partially clouded because of my lust for the things we've done.

Maybe he's actually very boring and I can't see or come to terms with that because I really like his toned body.

So many things to reevaluate and think about.

Am I ready to take the plunge and have sex?

Where do I see things going with SpaceGuy?

Am I willing to stick by him and continue hoping that maybe he'll wake up one day and realize "Yes, my issues with serious relationships are gone because this girl is amazing and I want to be her boyfriend"?

Obviously I know that problems and issues need work. The real question and thought is: am I willing to work on that stuff with him?

I don't know.

How much do I like him?

I don't know.

I know I don't like the idea of him being intimate with someone else or having someone else make him laugh and smile the way I do.

Maybe it's also the thought or insecurity of not being enough for him, you know?

I mean, I know I'm a pretty great person but...I don't know.

I don't know.

The more I think about him, the more I wonder if this is the right kind of thing for me.

I've already established that casual dating can be strenuous on my sanity but at the same time...at least...at least I have someone to hold and care for me.

I don't know if I'd rather be alone or sharing him with other people. In my head, he's not talking to other people but me.

The time he spends with me is time he's not spending with some other girl, if you think about it.

Finals are just around the corner so maybe I won't see him until Christmas rolls around...we'll see. We'll see how things pan or die out.