I know what's best for me is to find someone I click with and who can fulfill the needs I have, but what if those are just things that develop with time? Is love really something you recognize right off the bat? What if I'm never lucky enough to see a shooting star to wish for a prince charming to suddenly light up my world and color my world with glitter?
Now, the way I'm phrasing everything sounds like I'm settling for what I can get and although in some way, that may be true, but I see it more like: I'm happy with how things are right now. I'm not miserable or dying on the inside and honestly, after my last blog posts, I've been cautiously accepting SpaceGuy a little more every day.
Somehow, I managed to distance my heart a little bit from him and it's a little hard to explain but each cautious step I took was done in a bird's eye view. I could see myself from an aerial point of view, evaluating and calculating the consequences and outcomes of his and my own words, our exchanges, and our expectations or lack thereof.
I've accepted that he isn't ready for something extremely serious and I don't really know what "extremely serious" really entails or means. I can't picture things being any different than they are right now.
Going with the flow is working out quite lovely right now and I would rather this situation than being single and going on a bunch of different Tinder dates with different guys each week. That isn't to say if I didn't have SpaceGuy, I'd just Tinder away. Au contraire, I actually told myself I was pretty done with guys after SpaceGuy and if things didn't work out, I wanted to just take time off from dating and focus on myself.
I think he's starting to warm up to me a lot, which is really nice. My walls are coming down again and I'm less distanced than I was before. I'm happy giving/showing him affection and he seems to happily accept it as well.
I don't expect him to be my "boyfriend" anytime soon and quite frankly, I don't have any expectations out of him anyway.
I mean, I look forward to making new memories and laughing with him, but these are really more dreams than expectations really.
I don't expect him to bring me flowers every day or buy me dinner all the time--it's really nice that he buys me dinner though, hehe. I really appreciate his efforts and I'll be gladly returning the favor on our future dates.
It makes me happy to know that he talks with me every day and snaps me as well, making sure to not lose our "fire". (On Snapchat, the "fire" emoji appears next to someone's name when you've been snapping them for 3 or more consecutive days which is great because it motivates your friends and significant others to maintain it, which, in turn, maintains your relationship with them, sort of)
I do admit that sometimes, I get a little lonely and I wish for more attention but people are busy and I completely understand that he has things to do. When I start feeling that way, I just message him anyway even though sometimes I do get a little nervous because I'm scared that he'll think I'm waaayy too clingy and decide one day that he's had enough of my neediness.
I'm a big fan of pushing the envelope though and seeing how much neediness I can show and still have it be okay. That isn't to say that I'm overly needy, but sometimes when I'm on my period, I can get rather clingy af and I just really need affection and attention.
Anyway, the other day, I was really, really needy and exhausted and I just couldn't stop myself from unleashing all the cling and he took it rather well. A gold star goes to SpaceGuy for being the most understanding guy ever.
I don't want him to feel like we're moving too fast because I'm really fine with taking our time. If things fizzle up for whatever reason, that's cool with me too. At least I had a nice time with him and he was a huge sweetheart with me when we dated.
He may not be the guy I'm going to marry someday and that's fine too. He can, however, be the guy who makes me giddy now, why think about who'll make me happy in 5 years' time and miss out on the present?
I realize I may have contradicted something I said in a blog post I wrote in August regarding Dat-Bod-Doe. I remember trying to figure out why I kept going back to him despite the fact that he made me miserable when we weren't physically together and I concluded that it was because of the whole "instant gratification" notion and how he was a super chiseled sort-of knight in shining armor and that I was okay settling for something of the sort since I could "get some sugar now".
I don't see me riding things out with SpaceGuy as submitting to instant gratification (well, maybe a little...or a little more than "a little"), but rather closing my eyes and being less stick-up-my-ass.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to let loose a little more and I think this is something I still have to work on. Being so strict and stern with myself has always lead me to feeling frustrated and it made me realize that I was angry all the time.
When I stopped caring about things and accepting that I'm only human, I loosened up a lot and smiled a lot more. Now my adventure with growing up continues and I'm going to continue trying to not cage myself to an ideal dream that is probably not that close to reality if we're being real here.
Somehow, I managed to distance my heart a little bit from him and it's a little hard to explain but each cautious step I took was done in a bird's eye view. I could see myself from an aerial point of view, evaluating and calculating the consequences and outcomes of his and my own words, our exchanges, and our expectations or lack thereof.
I've accepted that he isn't ready for something extremely serious and I don't really know what "extremely serious" really entails or means. I can't picture things being any different than they are right now.
Going with the flow is working out quite lovely right now and I would rather this situation than being single and going on a bunch of different Tinder dates with different guys each week. That isn't to say if I didn't have SpaceGuy, I'd just Tinder away. Au contraire, I actually told myself I was pretty done with guys after SpaceGuy and if things didn't work out, I wanted to just take time off from dating and focus on myself.
I think he's starting to warm up to me a lot, which is really nice. My walls are coming down again and I'm less distanced than I was before. I'm happy giving/showing him affection and he seems to happily accept it as well.
I don't expect him to be my "boyfriend" anytime soon and quite frankly, I don't have any expectations out of him anyway.
I mean, I look forward to making new memories and laughing with him, but these are really more dreams than expectations really.
I don't expect him to bring me flowers every day or buy me dinner all the time--it's really nice that he buys me dinner though, hehe. I really appreciate his efforts and I'll be gladly returning the favor on our future dates.
It makes me happy to know that he talks with me every day and snaps me as well, making sure to not lose our "fire". (On Snapchat, the "fire" emoji appears next to someone's name when you've been snapping them for 3 or more consecutive days which is great because it motivates your friends and significant others to maintain it, which, in turn, maintains your relationship with them, sort of)
I do admit that sometimes, I get a little lonely and I wish for more attention but people are busy and I completely understand that he has things to do. When I start feeling that way, I just message him anyway even though sometimes I do get a little nervous because I'm scared that he'll think I'm waaayy too clingy and decide one day that he's had enough of my neediness.
I'm a big fan of pushing the envelope though and seeing how much neediness I can show and still have it be okay. That isn't to say that I'm overly needy, but sometimes when I'm on my period, I can get rather clingy af and I just really need affection and attention.
Anyway, the other day, I was really, really needy and exhausted and I just couldn't stop myself from unleashing all the cling and he took it rather well. A gold star goes to SpaceGuy for being the most understanding guy ever.
I don't want him to feel like we're moving too fast because I'm really fine with taking our time. If things fizzle up for whatever reason, that's cool with me too. At least I had a nice time with him and he was a huge sweetheart with me when we dated.
He may not be the guy I'm going to marry someday and that's fine too. He can, however, be the guy who makes me giddy now, why think about who'll make me happy in 5 years' time and miss out on the present?
I realize I may have contradicted something I said in a blog post I wrote in August regarding Dat-Bod-Doe. I remember trying to figure out why I kept going back to him despite the fact that he made me miserable when we weren't physically together and I concluded that it was because of the whole "instant gratification" notion and how he was a super chiseled sort-of knight in shining armor and that I was okay settling for something of the sort since I could "get some sugar now".
I don't see me riding things out with SpaceGuy as submitting to instant gratification (well, maybe a little...or a little more than "a little"), but rather closing my eyes and being less stick-up-my-ass.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to let loose a little more and I think this is something I still have to work on. Being so strict and stern with myself has always lead me to feeling frustrated and it made me realize that I was angry all the time.
When I stopped caring about things and accepting that I'm only human, I loosened up a lot and smiled a lot more. Now my adventure with growing up continues and I'm going to continue trying to not cage myself to an ideal dream that is probably not that close to reality if we're being real here.
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