Having been in theatre and radio, you'd think I'd be able to carry myself confidently at all times no matter the situation but NOPE, apparently I tend to spazz out when shit starts getting real.
I hate to think that I have trust issues, especially after writing that I haven't lost my naivety a couple of blog posts back...but I can't deny being slightly cynical.
It's weird to think that I can be so sure of myself yet at the same time, find it hard to believe that someone is expressing interest in me. I guess I got used to all the rejection in high school, you know? I never thought I'd get this far with someone who actually thinks I'm something else.
Every guy I've been with, I've had that awkward stage: the one where I'm nervous and jumpy and so unsure of where to place myself. What do you think of me? Do you really like me? Me? No seriously, me? Oh you did that for me? Did you really? Why would you do that for me? Why are you being so nice to me? Wait why don't you like someone else? They're prettier and probably more pleasant.
From my days of "Sorry, I don't like you in that way", I've learned that if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. Plain and simple. Every time I've initiated something or decided to be bold and daring, things never went my way (Well... I was sneakily bold and daring with Dat-Bod-Doe and that worked out in my favor) but I guess I still can't help myself from paving the way for that special someone. I throw so many bones, it's ridiculous how they can't even come up with a clever pickup line to accompany them.
The worst thing to experience is mixed signals. It seems like they're interested but are you really? Oh look, we're going in for a hug but is that going to be it? Am I supposed to lean in for a kiss or are you going to do that if you want one? Are you waiting for me to give you the green light for something?
This is why I like dating assertive guys. I remember Maxi-Man had a bit of trouble being assertive and I helped him be more out there and take initiative. That was interesting.
Ideally, it'd be cool if someone could just grab my hand, spin me into them, and plant the most sensual kiss I've ever experienced on my lips. Ah what an experience that would be!
Anyway, that was an interesting tangent.
I feel like maybe I'm also suspicious and nervous a lot because I worry that things aren't genuine. I mean, I got along with Banter-Buddy so well and then all of a sudden, he was able to take it all away from me in the blink of an eye just because I wasn't giving him sex. Pseudo-Prince could have also been guilty of sweet talking me, telling me things I only ever dreamed of hearing.
So what then, pray tell. How can you trust that someone is being just as genuine as you are if anyone can just say anything to you in order to manipulate you into their own games?
Okay whoa, I didn't mean to get all dark there since I'm usually 100% all for leaps of faith and jumping into the unknown but it's something interesting to think about it.
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