I'm not crying, you're crying.

One day, 

whether you are 

14, 28, or 65

you will stumble upon

someone who will start 

a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,

most awful truth

you will ever come to find-

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives

- Beau Taplin

♥

Home is not where you are from,

it is where you belong.

Some of us 

travel the whole 

world to find it.

Others,

find it in a person.

- Beau Taplin | The Explorers

Cradle my heart,
Calm my tears,
Color my days,
Crumble my fears.

Call me Princess
Call me Dear
Call me Love
Call me when you're near.

You're tangling my hair,
You're wrinkling my nose,
You're holding me close,
You're my home away from home.

Reality steps in
Wake up.
Wake up.
WAKE UP.

Dreams.
They're just dreams.

Phenomenal Woman

By Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Dating with an expiration date

A few weeks ago, a couple of family members of mine came to visit for a week and I, of course, had a girl talk with my cousin.

At that point, I was still hung up on Dat-Bod-Doe and thinking of him just yanked at my heartstrings. Hard. Kinda. I gave her a brief rundown of my time with him and then ended it with "casual dating is so not for me. I don't understand it when people say that they just want to look for fun. I mean, why start something that you know is going to end? What's more, why are you accepting heartbreak right from the get-go?"

To these questions, she answered, "They don't have to end in heartbreak. Plus, everything has to end at some point."

And then it dawned on me: it's true, they don't have to end in heartbreak. Not everybody gets as attached as I do, and if they do, people can just outrun the relationship and have it fizzle up peacefully.

I guess I've already known this but I never actually REGISTERED it in my mind. I couldn't imagine myself getting into a relationship just to enjoy someone's company but have it dissipate into nothing without either one of us getting hurt.

What are the chances of even having such a breakup? Do you stay friends afterwards or do you both agree you're sick of each other's presence and you just ignore each other? I'm guessing it's the former and you're probably really good friends at that point since you guys have had nice moments together.

I remember thinking that casual dating was something I could get the hang of and that it was part of growing up. You needed a certain mindset to be able to deal with (or just..not care about) other people who don't want to invest much in you as you don't them.

And then I read something online that said, "I know I'm growing up because now I just want to settle down. I just want to date a respectable girl instead of having fun with multiple girls." or something along the lines of that.

And then it hit me again: I wasn't growing up by adopting a new funfunfun mindset, I was going backwards! What would I have done if I got to a point where commitment scared me at the age of 29?

That isn't to say that those who have adopted such a mindset are going backwards, nor does it suggest that what they're doing is wrong.

In some respects, I've grown up by exploring this new aspect of dating since it's made me reaffirm my wants and needs as a commitment-driven person. I've gotten a lot of it out of my system and I've felt like it was something to experience at least once in my life. Conclusion: Traditional dating is where it's at for me and that will probably not change for me.

It's hard to stay away from hookup culture since there are all these people who are readily available to make you feel good (whether physically or emotionally) but instant gratification can leave you feeling so empty. At least, it leaves me feeling empty at the end of the day.

It would just be nice to be with someone and then be with them more and more and more and know that they want to be with you more and more and more.

I've tried to build this strong character and the more I stand by my values, the more I can feel myself really getting into it. I may feel more lonely now but I'm sure it'll all be worth it in the long run.

SOS

SOUND THE ALARM, GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Dat-Bod-Doe saw my snapstory and it included the name tag I sported when we worked together earlier this summer.  I had randomly found it around the house and decided to post it to my story for the nostalgia since I still find it funny that I was known as "Elise" for a very brief amount of time.

Now, him seeing my story isn't anything new.  From time to time, he would check it out but nothing would really happen (except for my own mental hyperventilation).

This time, however, he sent me a message on snapchat...and then I replied...and he replied right back....and, well, you get the idea.  I won't confirm or deny any flirting but let's just say there was some giggling happening.

Memories are flooding my mind.  Working with him was so pleasant, I remember him telling me all about his secret attraction to me like it was yesterday.

Remember what I said in this blog post about being quick to remove my foot from my values once I start thinking about all the good times we've had together?  Ugh, it's happening again.  I can't help it.  My heart tied itself in knots while we talked (very light knots, nothing too strong) and I couldn't stop picturing us kissing.

In my defense, he is by far the best kisser I've ever encountered.  He's done everything I've ever dreamed of and then some!  Man oh man, this guy has probably ruined a good portion of men for me because I don't think many people can top that experience.

Sometimes when we'd kiss, our noses would graze each other and we'd put things on pause and just nuzzle them together lovingly.  After that, we'd stare into each other's eyes and then share soft pecks that could only be described as the equivalent to bouncing on marshmallows.  I'd close my eyes and my heart would smile and leap while all this would be happening.  I know I've mentioned the nose nuzzling like 237638123 times but that's just how special it is to me.  It's a sign of adoration that just gets me every time.

I'm not saying I just had a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope that we'd start something up again and potentially turn it into something serious but I'm not denying it either.

Realistically, this isn't going to happen.  At all.  Ever.  Plus, I need to remember that this guy took 20 days to reply to my breakup message and that we're definitely not compatible people.

laksjdcoiejalskjdfieja I can pull through this.  Yup.  Uh huh.  Doing it right now.  RIGHT NOW.

Making Out with Strangers

Last night, I went out with a couple of friends from my program and needless to say, we got pretty inebriated.  That's right, Ms. Goody-two-shoes got #WhiteGirlWasted and my inhibitions were way down.  That is not to say that I didn't have any common sense and I was still shy to a certain extent.

I was still pretty freaked out when one of my friends pulled a How I Met Your Mother move at the bar and used the ol' "Haaave you met [name]?" trick with a couple of cute (ish) guys sitting next to us.  I think they were more into her (ah the perks of being a blond girl) than they were in me and I was totally fine with that.  As the night progressed, I noticed that they got more interested in the things I had to say and asked me pretty good questions about my program.

Fast forward into the night and my friends and I are pretty drunk.  I don't remember how I stopped talking to the two guys but that happened and I was completely fine with that since they weren't really all that interesting to begin with.  I got onto the dance floor and I shook that thang that my mama gave me.

Having consumed so much liquid, I obviously had to go pee and I successfully wobbled upstairs, did my business, washed my hands, steadied myself at the top of the stairs and nonchalantly made my way back to the dance floor.  I wasn't gone for too long (I've been told that I'm a fast bathroom-goer) and to my surprise, I noticed one of my friends (the blond one) glued to a random stranger.

Their hips swayed together to the music and their arms were wrapped around each other.  Every now and then, I'd see them smooching while their bodies rocked from side to side.  Meanwhile, I danced with another friend who hadn't found a guy to do shenanigans with and she was pretty bummed out about that.

Flashback to the time we went to this other bar/club and none of the girls had any physical interaction with anyone despite a lot of mingling at different sections of the dance floor.  I remember hearing my blond friend say, "Ugh we didn't even get to make out with anyone tonight!"

Flashback #2 to the time when that same blond friend told me that she made out with a random guy when she went to this beach party hosted by our university and so did plenty of other people who attended.

Seeing as I'm a really intense person who really can't do anything casual, I can't understand why people do such a thing.  Sure, kissing is nice but how much can you get out of it if you're not even dating this person?

When I kiss someone, I do it to establish an emotional connection with them (or I try to) and, well, I do hope to be able to do it more than once.  Granted, it'd be super cool if I could be a wild young adult and make out with a random stranger (who hopefully doesn't have herpes) just for the heck of it at least once but I really don't see the point in actively going out to bars and doing this on a regular basis.

I can understand that life can get lonely and sometimes you just really want someone to kiss but wouldn't you feel so empty once you get home and realize that that was just a one-time thing?  Okay I just realized that people probably also exchange numbers so that they could hook up later...and then we get into a whole other discussion about participating in activities when you're not in a serious relationship...which I will not go into right now.

I guess I'm having a little bit of trouble seeing how kissing can be enjoyable between people who don't have any emotional attachment to each other.  Is it because in that moment, you feel kinda loved?  You feel special because someone thinks you're attractive enough to want to have your mouth glued to their mouth?

Little hopeless dreamer me just can't wrap my head around this whole scene.  In my mind, kissing can be so much more intense/beautiful/passionate/magical if there are feelings involved.  I never really realized how traditional and different I am until I've explored being a young adult with a different crowd of people.

Like I mentioned in one of my previous blog posts, I've noticed that I've lost sight of what I truly want with a guy (i.e. a stable, serious relationship) since I've been delving a little too much in this new hookup culture scene (not that I've really been hooking up with people but I've been associating with a lot of people who do participate in such things).

I don't get why people wouldn't want someone by their side to love and be loved by.  It's just so pleasant and always makes my day so much brighter since I'm laughing so much more than I usually do.

People are confusing and weird but hey, they probably think I'm just as confusing and weird.  Whatever.

How do you even

Having been in theatre and radio, you'd think I'd be able to carry myself confidently at all times no matter the situation but NOPE, apparently I tend to spazz out when shit starts getting real.

I hate to think that I have trust issues, especially after writing that I haven't lost my naivety a couple of blog posts back...but I can't deny being slightly cynical.

It's weird to think that I can be so sure of myself yet at the same time, find it hard to believe that someone is expressing interest in me. I guess I got used to all the rejection in high school, you know? I never thought I'd get this far with someone who actually thinks I'm something else.

Every guy I've been with, I've had that awkward stage: the one where I'm nervous and jumpy and so unsure of where to place myself. What do you think of me? Do you really like me? Me? No seriously, me? Oh you did that for me? Did you really? Why would you do that for me? Why are you being so nice to me? Wait why don't you like someone else? They're prettier and probably more pleasant.

From my days of "Sorry, I don't like you in that way", I've learned that if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. Plain and simple. Every time I've initiated something or decided to be bold and daring, things never went my way (Well... I was sneakily bold and daring with Dat-Bod-Doe and that worked out in my favor) but I guess I still can't help myself from paving the way for that special someone. I throw so many bones, it's ridiculous how they can't even come up with a clever pickup line to accompany them.

The worst thing to experience is mixed signals. It seems like they're interested but are you really? Oh look, we're going in for a hug but is that going to be it? Am I supposed to lean in for a kiss or are you going to do that if you want one? Are you waiting for me to give you the green light for something?

This is why I like dating assertive guys. I remember Maxi-Man had a bit of trouble being assertive and I helped him be more out there and take initiative. That was interesting.

Ideally, it'd be cool if someone could just grab my hand, spin me into them, and plant the most sensual kiss I've ever experienced on my lips. Ah what an experience that would be!

Anyway, that was an interesting tangent.

I feel like maybe I'm also suspicious and nervous a lot because I worry that things aren't genuine. I mean, I got along with Banter-Buddy so well and then all of a sudden, he was able to take it all away from me in the blink of an eye just because I wasn't giving him sex. Pseudo-Prince could have also been guilty of sweet talking me, telling me things I only ever dreamed of hearing.

So what then, pray tell. How can you trust that someone is being just as genuine as you are if anyone can just say anything to you in order to manipulate you into their own games?

Okay whoa, I didn't mean to get all dark there since I'm usually 100% all for leaps of faith and jumping into the unknown but it's something interesting to think about it.