I am the smartest person ever

I think I'm self-sabotaging, honestly.  No idea what's wrong with me but I always know what to say to ruin things whenever I gush about guys to several people.

Exhibit A: I write about how well things are going with SpaceGuy and tell my cousins that I'm currently seeing a 26 year old guy.  Later on that day, I seem to say all the wrong things (and I KNOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE BAD CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE I HAVE A BAD FEELING DEEEEP, DEEP DOWN INSIDE ME BUT NOPE I DECIDE TO NOT LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE VOICE) aaaaand then I end up having a long conversation with him 'til 2am because we're breaking up. Yay. Yayayayayayayy. I don't know why I do this to my grades and to my own mental health.  I'm weird.  Alright, I'm going to cry over my grades and my love life a little later.  For now, I'm going to try and cram as much as I can and hope that I don't break down crying during the exam and during my dinner with my friends. :) :) :) :) :) :)

A reminder to myself: THIS IS A GOOD THING.  THIS BREAKUP IS A GOOD THING.  THIS IS A GOOD THING.  IT WAS INEVITABLE.  SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED WEEKS AGO.

Fuck.  So many ragrets, I just want to be with him and have everything be alright.  This breakup is a good thing.  This breakup is a good thing.  This breakup is a hella fucking good thing.

Going with the Flow

Despite my previous posts full of hope for the future and sadness because I thought I was dropping SpaceGuy, I've actually decided to ride it out with SpaceGuy.  I think too much when it comes to relationships and although it may sound like I'm just making excuses to stick with him and some may argue that I'm settling for something I don't deserve or I don't want, I think it'd be alright to just see how things pan out.

I know what's best for me is to find someone I click with and who can fulfill the needs I have, but what if those are just things that develop with time?  Is love really something you recognize right off the bat?  What if I'm never lucky enough to see a shooting star to wish for a prince charming to suddenly light up my world and color my world with glitter?

Now, the way I'm phrasing everything sounds like I'm settling for what I can get and although in some way, that may be true, but I see it more like: I'm happy with how things are right now.  I'm not miserable or dying on the inside and honestly, after my last blog posts, I've been cautiously accepting SpaceGuy a little more every day.

Somehow, I managed to distance my heart a little bit from him and it's a little hard to explain but each cautious step I took was done in a bird's eye view.  I could see myself from an aerial point of view, evaluating and calculating the consequences and outcomes of his and my own words, our exchanges, and our expectations or lack thereof.

I've accepted that he isn't ready for something extremely serious and I don't really know what "extremely serious" really entails or means.  I can't picture things being any different than they are right now.

Going with the flow is working out quite lovely right now and I would rather this situation than being single and going on a bunch of different Tinder dates with different guys each week. That isn't to say if I didn't have SpaceGuy, I'd just Tinder away.  Au contraire, I actually told myself I was pretty done with guys after SpaceGuy and if things didn't work out, I wanted to just take time off from dating and focus on myself.

I think he's starting to warm up to me a lot, which is really nice.  My walls are coming down again and I'm less distanced than I was before.  I'm happy giving/showing him affection and he seems to happily accept it as well.

I don't expect him to be my "boyfriend" anytime soon and quite frankly, I don't have any expectations out of him anyway.

I mean, I look forward to making new memories and laughing with him, but these are really more dreams than expectations really.

I don't expect him to bring me flowers every day or buy me dinner all the time--it's really nice that he buys me dinner though, hehe.  I really appreciate his efforts and I'll be gladly returning the favor on our future dates.

It makes me happy to know that he talks with me every day and snaps me as well, making sure to not lose our "fire".  (On Snapchat, the "fire" emoji appears next to someone's name when you've been snapping them for 3 or more consecutive days which is great because it motivates your friends and significant others to maintain it, which, in turn, maintains your relationship with them, sort of)

I do admit that sometimes, I get a little lonely and I wish for more attention but people are busy and I completely understand that he has things to do.  When I start feeling that way, I just message him anyway even though sometimes I do get a little nervous because I'm scared that he'll think I'm waaayy too clingy and decide one day that he's had enough of my neediness.

I'm a big fan of pushing the envelope though and seeing how much neediness I can show and still have it be okay.  That isn't to say that I'm overly needy, but sometimes when I'm on my period, I can get rather clingy af and I just really need affection and attention.

Anyway, the other day, I was really, really needy and exhausted and I just couldn't stop myself from unleashing all the cling and he took it rather well.  A gold star goes to SpaceGuy for being the most understanding guy ever.

I don't want him to feel like we're moving too fast because I'm really fine with taking our time.  If things fizzle up for whatever reason, that's cool with me too.  At least I had a nice time with him and he was a huge sweetheart with me when we dated.

He may not be the guy I'm going to marry someday and that's fine too.  He can, however, be the guy who makes me giddy now, why think about who'll make me happy in 5 years' time and miss out on the present?

I realize I may have contradicted something I said in a blog post I wrote in August regarding Dat-Bod-Doe.  I remember trying to figure out why I kept going back to him despite the fact that he made me miserable when we weren't physically together and I concluded that it was because of the whole "instant gratification" notion and how he was a super chiseled sort-of knight in shining armor and that I was okay settling for something of the sort since I could "get some sugar now".  

I don't see me riding things out with SpaceGuy as submitting to instant gratification (well, maybe a little...or a little more than "a little"), but rather closing my eyes and being less stick-up-my-ass.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to let loose a little more and I think this is something I still have to work on.  Being so strict and stern with myself has always lead me to feeling frustrated and it made me realize that I was angry all the time.

When I stopped caring about things and accepting that I'm only human, I loosened up a lot and smiled a lot more.  Now my adventure with growing up continues and I'm going to continue trying to not cage myself to an ideal dream that is probably not that close to reality if we're being real here.

An Open Letter

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I'm sad.  I wish you were here.

I'm not sure if I'm broken, but I know I have things to work on.  Some of these things were issues I didn't think I had but after reflecting a little more on my body language and the way I handle situations, I've realized that they were just really well hidden.

I need to learn to accept that I do deserve to have good things happen to me and that these "good things" are actually just nice things that courteous people do.

The other day, I remember telling someone some of the nice things SpaceGuy did for me that I really appreciated and she stopped me from saying anything further.  She said, "These are really normal things.  You're not asking for much, don't accept anything less because YOU'RE WORTH IT."

And just like that, I wanted to cry.  I realized right then and there that I really wasn't asking for much.  I wasn't asking for a huge stretch of effort, I wanted someone who respected me and who wanted to take care of me the way I'd want to care for them.

I need to learn that I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want or what I deserve. It's been really hard to accept and especially to realize, and I'm still not completely there yet, but I'm working on it, I swear.

I need to learn that I am just as important when it comes to pleasure and that some people genuinely do want to make you feel good because they do think you're worth it.  

Not only am I just as important, I am also just as attractive as they describe me to be.  I shouldn't be so skeptical when they compliment me because I really am a sight to see.  It may not feel like it when I go out, since I pale in comparison to some, but I am beautiful in my own way.

I promise I'll believe you when you compliment me because I know you'll be just as genuine about it as I will be to you.

I promise that no matter how many bad experiences I've gone through, I won't feel jaded over love.  I'm too much of a hopeless romantic and a dreamer and that probably won't change.

True, I've grown more wary when it comes to dating and I'm getting a little afraid of getting attached because boy, once I latch on, I really latch on.  I apologize in advance for smothering you with love, I just have a lot of it to give.

I haven't gotten to the point where I'm completely terrified of commitment and I do hope that once I find you—or you find me—you won't be either.

I want to bake you things and make you laugh so hard, you can't breathe.  I want to interlock my fingers within your fingers and feel all warm inside because of the connection that we have.

I really wish I had that now.  I really wish I had you.

I guess it really isn't time for us to meet and maybe it's because we both have things to work on.

I don't know if I've lost myself in my search for you.  I don't know who I am anymore or what my values are.  I used to identify as bubbly, lovable, confident, and with a can-do attitude.  Now...now I don't know.  I'm still those things but maybe I've grown up a little bit.

Maybe my skepticism and sense of defeat have clouded a couple of things in my mind and my hopelessness is so depressing that I've lost some of my spark/spunk.

Today, I thought back to one of my previous blog posts involving some high school friends and their loving boyfriends and I realized, again, that I lost sight of what a functioning relationship could look like.  Furthermore, I forgot that I was looking for something like that.

I've spent so much time dating guys who really weren't relationship material that I had forgotten what it was like to have a loving partner.

I really do want someone I can call on my walks home and chat about their day, their thoughts, some epiphanies that they had earlier that day.

For now, I promise to study really hard and enjoy my time with my friends. I really appreciate all the support I get from them and I don't know what I would do without them.  They're so friendly and loving, you're gonna have so much fun with them, I swear!

I really hope you can let loose and be silly with them as you can/will be with me!  If there's absolutely one thing I'd have to pick to be extremely important to me, that'd be that you get along with my friends and that you impress them.

Although I may be sad that I don't have you, I am eternally grateful to have them by my side.  They make life so much happier and I hope that once you enter my life, they'll make your days just as bright as they do mine.  BUT YOUR EYES ARE ONLY FOR ME OK?  OK.  GOOD.  Glad we agree.

I promise to work on loving myself and being so independent, you'd think I was too cool for you.  I promise to be there when you have your lows and above all, I promise to love you even when you eat the last cookie I had been saving for later munching.  Okay wait, that seems a little too generous on my part, how could you eat the last cookie knowing full well I was saving it? :(

There, our first fight.  It's okay, I forgive you.

I forgive and forget a lot, it's part of my nature.  You'll see me do that a lot and you might not understand why I let people back into my life, but I do it anyway.

I want to develop a loving relationship with you and have it be so layered, it'll be like a blanket fort. Can we have Christmas lights in the fort? We're gonna have Christmas lights in the fort, I've decided.

I look forward to meeting you and seeing where life takes us and making new memories with you. I hope I can make you laugh and smile just as much as you probably will make me.

Until then,
Goofball

When you do stupid things and come out with even more things to think about...

Despite having cried over SpaceGuy, I decided to go on another date with him because....because....I don't know.

Recap: He didn't necessarily hurt me per se, he just told me that things between us were great as they were and that he wasn't ready for anything serious. I also asked him what serious meant to him and he said that being serious meant being exclusive. Hm.
I asked him if I should just forget about having feelings for him and he said that I shouldn't have them if they'll lead me to wanting something a little more serious in the near future. How near is 'near'? No idea.

I mean, I'm cool with taking things really slow and not being anything serious before jumping into a relationship, that makes sense...but if it's never going to lead anywhere, should I even bother?

He said that he's not someone that I would want to love and that he wouldn't be someone I deserved (in that I'd deserve someone much better than him).

I don't know what I want with him. I mean, I've wanted a boyfriend for so long and it'd be great to be exclusive. I'm not sure how I feel about not being exclusive right now.

I'm kind of a jealous type even though it's a little hypocritical of me since I did talk to other guys while I was talking to SpaceGuy online.

I don't know.

To complicate things even more, I stayed the night at SpaceGuy's place because we were both too tired and too lazy to get me home at 1am.

It was nice, we cuddled a little before sleeping and I snored all night long.

We didn't have sex, but we were close to sealing that deal in the morning. Yep.

I've always said that I wanted to do it for the first time with someone I loved and at one point during my time with him, I was assessing how comfortable I'd be if I lost my virginity to him that night.

I know/knew that impulse decisions aren't always the right decisions to make so I withheld from having sex with him.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too rational/smart about these things and if I should be a little looser and let myself live a little.

He's sweet but I don't think I'd enjoy the idea of losing my virginity to someone I wasn't even exclusive with, no matter how caring he seems or how hot and heavy things had gotten.

And trust me, things were pretty steamy.

I enjoy my time with him but then again, I'm not sure if my judgement is partially clouded because of my lust for the things we've done.

Maybe he's actually very boring and I can't see or come to terms with that because I really like his toned body.

So many things to reevaluate and think about.

Am I ready to take the plunge and have sex?

Where do I see things going with SpaceGuy?

Am I willing to stick by him and continue hoping that maybe he'll wake up one day and realize "Yes, my issues with serious relationships are gone because this girl is amazing and I want to be her boyfriend"?

Obviously I know that problems and issues need work. The real question and thought is: am I willing to work on that stuff with him?

I don't know.

How much do I like him?

I don't know.

I know I don't like the idea of him being intimate with someone else or having someone else make him laugh and smile the way I do.

Maybe it's also the thought or insecurity of not being enough for him, you know?

I mean, I know I'm a pretty great person but...I don't know.

I don't know.

The more I think about him, the more I wonder if this is the right kind of thing for me.

I've already established that casual dating can be strenuous on my sanity but at the same time...at least...at least I have someone to hold and care for me.

I don't know if I'd rather be alone or sharing him with other people. In my head, he's not talking to other people but me.

The time he spends with me is time he's not spending with some other girl, if you think about it.

Finals are just around the corner so maybe I won't see him until Christmas rolls around...we'll see. We'll see how things pan or die out.