Kiss me passionately, kiss me slowly

Kissing is so interesting to think about.  One moment, you could be passionately, aggressively going at each other's lips and the next moment, the rhythm has drastically changed and you're both melting into each other's presence.

I had a discussion about the topic with a friend of mine and I asked her which she preferred: Making out or soft, little kisses.  Her answer?  The latter.  Intriguingly enough, another friend of mine agreed with the choice.

I remember sharing my first drawn-out kiss with someone and thinking Wow...that was amazing and so magical.  Why have we not done this sooner?  There's just something about them that makes them feel so special and intimate.  With the right person at just the right moment, sometimes it can feel like one of those romantic scenes in a movie where the two people FINALLY get to kiss each other and the camera pans around to give you a 360 view of their smooch.  The best part of it all is the sweet nose nuzzling that happens at the end.  Aahh those little nose caresses really send my heart soaring and set the butterflies in my stomach aflutter.

On the other hand, experiencing intense kisses that leave you panting for more is definitely something else.  The pin-you-up-against-the-wall-as-my-hands-snake-around-your-body kiss is drop-dead amazing and it doesn't necessarily have to be up against a surface...or done vertically.  Chests heaving, both parties are able to enjoy something fiery and wild that will surely send both your heads spinning by the end of it.  You know that scene in We Are The Millers where they're trying to teach the guy how to kiss and Jennifer Aniston has a little trick up her sleeve?  Oh yeah, I've had that eye-widening Mm! moment.

Comparing these two enjoyable styles, I really can't decide which one I'd prefer.  I think timing is definitely key in all of this and if you can, I'd totally recommend orchestrating a blend of both!  Doing something hot and heavy and then transitioning that into something fluid with a lower tempo can really be beautiful.

For a first kiss, I've read numerous articles that say not to automatically plunge your tongue into someone else's mouth and that's just to be respectful.  I think starting out with soft pecks and then working your way to gentle licking is quite enjoyable.

Slow kisses can also do a quick 180 and turn into something rough in the blink of an eye by simply pressing in a little more, breathing in deeply, and gradually moving your lips a little faster.

Isn't it just fascinating how we can change a mood or the atmosphere by merely controlling our breathing?

There are also little things/gestures people do that can make a kiss so much more special.  For example, someone could guide your chin to their mouth with their index finger or they could gently hold your face with both of their hands while you two lock lips.  The former makes my heart beat that much faster and the latter chokes me up because it makes me feel so loved. 

You could also change things up and move your hands elsewhere.  Positioning them on different areas of someone's body can make them feel a plethora of different emotions that can include explosions and fireworks.  Each touch can evoke an old, pleasant memory and each caress can encourage a new one to form.  Tender strokes and fingers tracing the outline of your body can send chills up and down your spine like never before.

I hadn't thought of kissing as a full-body experience before jumping into the dating scene but after giving it a lot of thought, I can't see how anyone could say it isn't!

C...losure?

As I write this post, I have no idea how I'm feeling.  Is it indifference?  Melancholy?  Who knows?  My body was so confused, it pretty much resorted to crying because when in doubt, just cry.  Flawless logic, am I right?

Today, at 1pm, I finally received a reply back from Dat-Bod-Doe.

My phone buzzed, I stirred.  I then heard the ding notification that tells me someone messaged me on Facebook.  I groggily reached over and grabbed my phone, accepting that it was time to wake up, no matter how much I wanted to slink back into my dark bliss.

I sifted through most of my 18 notifications and decided to check Messenger.  After replying to 2 people, I selected the next chathead and wondered who it was since I didn't recognize the photo.  After opening up the conversation, my eyes were overwhelmed with a wall of text.  Confused, I checked out the named of the sender and my eyes immediately widened.  I held my breath.  After 20 days of being ignored, I finally got something back from Dat-Bod-Doe.

Isn't it coincidentally funny that he decided to message me the day after I posted "A reminder"?  That seemed to happen quite a few times while we dated, actually.  He would usually message me right when I would grumble about him to friends, making me think I should complain about him more often to get him to talk to me more.

His response was actually very nicely written.  For a moment, I completely forgot how long ago I had broken up with him, it felt like it had just happened the day before.

The way he worded it humanized him a great deal.  For so long, I just heard "He's an assohole." from my friends and that's all I could picture.  For 20 days, he was a heartless guy who couldn't care less whether we were together or not. For all I know, he could still be that guy and truth be told, I probably cherish our good moments more than he does.  But then again, that's just the way I am with everyone.  But anyway, that's besides the point.

What I was trying to get at was the fact that I had seen him in this black and white light--he was a dick and that was that.  I had forgotten that he was also a person who also enjoyed spending time with me...at least that's what he claimed in his reply.  I had assumed that everything that had happened between us was all fake or that he was possibly seeing someone else simultaneously.  I mean, I wasn't having sex with him, maybe he was getting his fix elsewhere?

In his message, he said everything I needed him to say and then some.  He sounded kind, understanding, and he owned up to being a jerk for not answering sooner.

My mind is thankful for the content of the reply since it's enough for closure but it's still a little confused.  I don't feel depressed nor do I feel angry about it all...and that's what's confusing.  I feel like I should care more about it or I should heave a huge sigh and feel a bit of freedom, yet I feel nothing.

A reminder

People can be pretty shitty

Unfortunately, I'm not unfamiliar with people ignoring my messages or calls.  Below, I shall "briefly" include my encounters with such behavior.

Part 1

A) Pseudo-Prince

Ah Mr. I-said-I-love-you-first, I'll never forget how much my heart dropped when you started pulling away from me.  If I tried calling him and he didn't pick up (he never picked up), he wouldn't call me back or message me asking why I called.  

I would get a reply** hours and hours later...sometimes days later.  Everything was so sporadic, I couldn't understand what was happening since we talked and skyped for hours the previous week...and suddenly, everything just stopped.  

Honeymoon phase?  Nope.  He killed it.  Brutally.

**Note: The messages/texts I sent were very sweet and not at all naggy.

e.g. After a long day of no contact because my ex was working really hard for summer school, I decided to send the following text to him: 

"Hey sweetie, I know you're going to bed now but I'm not going anytime soon.  I just wanted to tell you I love you and I believe in you!  Keep studying hard!  Hope your dreams are as sweet as you. :)" 

Guess who didn't even say "thank you" or "I love you" back?  At all.  Ever.

B) Dat-Bod-Doe

Guess who still hasn't replied to my break-up message?  Yup, Mr. Ridiculously-Gorgeous-Blue-Eyes.  I wanted to call things off with him in person but DBD kept ignoring my messages AND texts whenever I would try to make plans with him.  What other choice did I have?  

Two days after he flew to Texas, I decided I couldn't prolong my pain any longer and just had to sever our (extremely loose) ties.  I wiggled my fingers and spent a lot of time trying to find a way to phrase what I had to say in a way that wasn't accusing, rude, or full of blame.  I wrote him a civil message telling him that I needed someone more engaging and something more serious than what we had and that I couldn't continue seeing him if things were just going to stay the way they were at that point.

I know that there really isn't much to say to a message like that...but I would have at least appreciated a little acknowledgement or something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I wish you the best as well."

Part 2

Remember when I mentioned Banter-Buddy in this blog post?  I realized I never actually shed some light on how things ended.

Ready?  Okay, here we go: 

• We matched on Tinder
• Talked a lot and really clicked
• He mentioned he was looking for a fuck buddy who could offer intellectual conversation (...so a girlfriend....but without the commitment or care....uh huh.)
• I declined the offer
• We continued talking for hours and hours and discovered many common interests
• I thought we could be really good friends 
• Thought process: Since he already had other fuck buddies, I could offer the intellectual conversation part and it wouldn't really make much of a difference.  I was like a fluffer of sorts except I was only stimulating his mind.
• We were supposed to watch something on Netflix together (but in our own respective homes. We were going to stream the movie at the same time on our computers)
• I made last-minute plans with friends and ended up coming home too late to stream the movie 
• We talked the next day and he suggested trying again that night 
• He made last-minute plans with friends and never got back to me ever again

Yup, that's right, after going out with his friends (or maybe he just lied to me?), he pretended like I didn't exist anymore.  He never responded to my texts and didn't pick up my calls either.  Obviously, leaving me hanging like that made me feel awful.  I felt kinda empty and the lack of conclusion really bothered me.  I needed closure and I didn't get it even though I straight up asked him for it (I told him that if he was going to ignore me from then on, he could have at least had the courtesy to tell me.  He never responded to that text either).

That being said, surprise!  There's actually a part B to the whole Banter-Buddy story. 

• Friend was looking for sex
• I was tipsy
• Brilliant idea: Hook up friend with Banter-Buddy!!11!1!!!1!1!1
• Thought process: She wanted sex, he wanted sex.  I needed closure.  Okay, okay, okay, you caught me, I had a teeny, tiny bit of a crush on him (VERY TINY) and, well, if my friend had sex with him, then I had more reason to stop thinking about him.  Win-win-win at the temporary expense of my feelings.
• Friend kept asking me (when I sobered up) if it was okay if she did it with him and tried to make sure she wasn't jeopardizing our friendship 
• I gave her the green light, texted him about her, and sent him a snap of her
• He replies all eager and friendly 
• He explains that he ignored me because he "didn't have time for friends" but if I ever wanted to hook up, he's available. 
• He also asks for more snaps from me because he "miss[ed] [my] cute face".  Yeah.  *Scoffs*
• I go to Osheaga
• They have sex later that day
• He texts me "I fucked your friend." with a smirky emoticon
• I reply with two thumbs up because what else am I even supposed to say?  I'm just trying really hard to not care.
• He responds with "You could at least pretend to be happy for me" 
• He also proceeds to tell me that "we should start talking again because [I'm] cool." 
• Lol Osheaga? More like, OShitga
• After a couple of deep breaths, I managed to shake off my heebie jeebies and sort-of enjoy Osheaga. :)

Even though the entire ordeal was really sucky to deal with, I can confidently say that I do have closure about Banter-Buddy.  I don't talk to him anymore and I really am better off without him.  He may not want to allot time for me since I'm not offering him sex but that's fine with me.  I really don't have time for that fake shit.  

Addendum: My friend recently informed me that a lot of the things he told me were lies.  No surprise there.  I won't go into a lot of detail but she told me that the things he did/said did not match up with what I told her.  He was just all talk, basically.  *shrug*

Related

Another friend of mine chatted with this guy for a month or two (or more?) and they were supposed to meet up for...activities.  She told me that she invested a lot of time talking to this guy and when the day came, he hadn't contacted her to confirm their plans...And that was it.  She hasn't heard from him since.  

It was Banter-Buddy all over again with the exception that she was willing to provide the services he wanted.  She is so stumped, angry, and lost.  

And then I have this other friend whose (now ex) boyfriend never started conversations with her.  He thought talking on the phone was weird and he hardly ever texted her.

People suck.  Having gone through the stuff mentioned above and having my dear friends go through shitty things as well has made me lose sight of the hopeless romantic in me.

I forgot what a relationship felt like and more importantly, I forgot what it was like to be treated with respect.

But just because a handful of people are shitty, that doesn't mean everyone else is just as shitty

A couple of days ago, I had a board game night with a couple of friends from high school.  Three of the girls were taken and two (including me) were not.  

One of the girls' boyfriend had called her that night to tell her his whereabouts and his activities since (if I remember correctly) she asked him to.  After talking for a couple of minutes, she ended the call with "I love you" and it hit me: I hadn't heard or said that phrase in such a long time.  

Suddenly, I remembered what it felt like to be in a stable relationship.  I remembered how nice it was to have someone care for your well-being.  I remembered how happy I felt talking to a boyfriend after a long day at school.

Hours later, he called again.  Memories flooded my head.

Another one of the girls also received a call from her boyfriend.  Again, her call ended with "I love you."  

Last night, I was out with 2 of the girls from that board game night with one other girl and when we sat down to play Scrabble, the boyfriend who had called one of the girls the other night called her that night as well.  I overheard her say "Umm yeah I think I'll still be awake in an hour.  Sure, you can call back then."  Obviously, this call also ended with the three little words.

Bam.  Just like that, all of these calls reminded me that functional relationships do exist.  

They made me realize that I lost sight of what I wanted and that I had forgotten how much I missed talking to someone on the phone before bed.  I missed hearing about someone's day and telling them all about mine, no matter how uneventful.

I've been so caught up with having fun that I forgot one of phrases I used to constantly tell people and myself: Good things come to those who wait.  

I genuinely, naively, and wholeheartedly believe that there is good in this world and that there are people out there that will love us the way that we love them and then some.

I'm reassured about my dreams and desires because I have living proof that they exist.  I may not have them now but I will sometime in the future, whenever that will be.

It's hard to hold onto what you believe in and what you truly want when all your other friends are different.  The girls in my program are more sex-driven and I know that a lot of people our age are mostly looking to have fun, that's totally fine.

Though I'm easily swayed and influenced, I know that I can now stand my ground with what I'm looking for. I'm okay and I feel fine.  Let's hope I keep this up.

Watch out, Prince Charming, a goofball is coming your way and she wants to settle your ass down.  (LET ME LOVE YOU)

Personal Rumspringa

Rumspringa

noun. (in some Amish communities) A period of adolescence in which boys and girls are given greater personal freedom, [...] usually ending with the choices of baptism into the church or leaving the community. 

Being a tiny Asian girl raised to abide by my parents' rules, it's no secret that I've always been iffy about going out late at night.  Finally, just before my 20th birthday, I decided it was time to break free and explore what the world had to offer.

I took a deep breath and leaped into this easy-going world full of people who "just wanted to have fun" which was, of course, centered around alcohol.

Social drinking is a huge thing (my wallet cries every time) and relationships are nowhere to be found.  Sure, my girl friends are on the lookout for guys, but not necessarily for something as long-term as I have in mind.

I decided to take this exploration a little further and tried my hand at Tinder and OKCupid because why not?  I wanted to see what they were like and what kind of people I'd find there.  I didn't necessarily jump into the whole dating app scene to find myself a hookup or a boyfriend, I was more curious and amused than anything.  Diving right into both platforms had me coming out with a small handful of people I had fun talking to.  It was like Omegle except I knew that these people had some sort of romantic pull towards me (Well...some of them didn't.  They revealed that my personality had drawn them in but if it weren't for my humor, they wouldn't have given me the time of day.  My looks didn't make the cut.  Welp.)  

Although OKCupid is more known as an actual dating website, I've found that many people who frequented it were also only looking for casual sex or "nothing too serious" since they just wanted to focus on themselves and "the gym".  I actually asked one of the guys who was interested in me what he would define as something "serious" and he said: 

"[It's] Where you lay your problems, your life, your weekend plans, everything involving parties, including sacrificing, jealousy, and shit I don't need in university, whereas dating is just fun and nice to start." 

Basically, what I'm getting from this is that no one really wants another person to think about.  Casual dating is literally having someone on the side who you can kiss and have sex with (if you choose to do so) without ever having to care about them.  There is absolutely no sense of attachment to this person and you're pretty much just using them for their body.  But...I don't get it.  I don't get how you can go about your life doing your own thing and not even think about that someone at least once throughout your day.

I guess it's nice to have someone on the side to kiss and hold even though you don't necessarily want things to be official between you guys.  Not having to give your all to someone because you can't just deal with someone else's problems but still having that loving comfort we all crave....ah the ultimate form of casual dating.  No obligations, nothing.

To me, casual dating would be a transition period that would lead you into being a couple.  It's you testing out the waters to see if you'd like to continue seeing this person.  It's that period where you say "It's not official yet" but you hope it could be in the near future.

This whole scene young adults are participating in is all so new to me and even though I'm starting to get the hang of it, I don't think I even want to be in it.

Jumping around from conversation to conversation with a different guy at the other end of each one was pretty exciting and fun for a while...but after a certain amount of time, the novelty wore off and I realized just how void my life really was.  I was filling my time with these boring conversations with guys who couldn't give an engaging response no matter how many bones I threw them.  Once in a while, I would find a really interesting guy who would make me laugh and we'd talk at great lengths, making me think I had found a cool person to befriend (which I had!).

What kept me hooked to Tinder and OKCupid was the fact that I kept matching with and receiving messages from people.  At some level, it reassured me that there WERE people out there who didn't need to "get to know me better" to like me.  What I'm saying is, I'm used to hearing "Oh, I never saw you that way..." even though that wasn't what I got from Pseudo-Prince (he was interested in my smile right from the get-go) nor Dat-Bod-Doe (he lusted for me right from the get-go as well).

Okay, maybe it wasn't so much that.  I really have nothing to do with my summer right now and talking to people is just fun!

My pursuit in being a typical young adult made me feel so free, I couldn't get enough of it.  I finally felt like an empowered movie character with that super catchy soundtrack blaring over a shot of the character dancing/strutting around in their own element.  The rush of making my own foolish decisions and having fun the way you'd picture a university student would have fun made me feel so alive.  I felt reborn.

Despite all of this, after going on this personal rumspringa of sorts, I can definitely conclude that I much prefer stability and seriousness.  That being said, I don't regret dabbling in casual dating and moving a little fast with Maxi-Man, Pseudo-Prince and (sort of) Dat-Bod Doe (surprisingly, I moved a little slower with DBD even though he was the best looking guy I had ever dated).

I was so caught up in this new hedonistic lifestyle, I had to shove my traditional values in a corner and try to not listen to that little voice in my heart.  But after having my fun and putting things into perspective, I know that deep down, I really am just a hopeless romantic with big dreams that don't match this scene.

I just want to have that one person I can call mine.
That one person who'll give me little kisses everywhere just because.
That one person who'll call me up and excitedly recount a funny thing that just happened to them.
That one person who'll look at me with loving eyes and gently bump his forehead against mine.
That one person who'll take just as much time out of his day for me as I do for him.
That one person who'll hold me in his arms and won't let go no matter how long I've been there.

I would much rather focus all my energy and love on one person rather than several different guys who give me empty compliments in hopes of getting some action.

I feel hopeful for the future, though.  I know that the right person for me is out there somewhere doing something really cool and making bad puns I'll surely appreciate once we meet.  His friends are probably also groaning at his awful jokes and shaking their heads at how terrible his humor is but they still love being around him anyway.

I'll find my tech-savvy Mr. Handsome someday.  I know I will.

The attachment is strong with this one

In high school, my gym teacher once sat us down and had "the talk" with us.  Being the lazy kids that we were, being able to sit down and not do any physical activity pleased us very much.  "Kids," she started, "There's a huge difference between having sex...and making love."  Blank stares.  She explained that sleeping around with multiple people could be meaningless and mechanical, whereas having sex with someone that you truly care for could be regarded as "making love" since it's a whole other feeling.  The gears in my head started turning.  That made sense.

Scientifically, engaging in intimate activities releases oxytocin, a "feel-good" hormone which ultimately lets us bond with our partner.  Skin-to-skin contact also lets two people build a stronger bond with each other, as it does for a newborn baby and its parent (doctors recommend spending some quality skin-to-skin time with newborns to build that sort of thing).

I wonder if both people release the same amount of oxytocin while being intimate.  In other words, are you feeling closer to me as I do for you?  

Dat-Bod-Doe and I always had steamy, passionate moments I could only dream of having.  He was a godsend, making my head spin every time we locked lips.  But then this one time, things calmed down and we shared several soft, beautiful kisses.  Our heavy breathing softened into gentle lip smacking and pecks.  Our noses nuzzled and caressed each other as if they were slow-dancing together.  The electricity running through my veins moved to my heart, giving me pangs and knots I hadn't felt ever since Pseudo-Prince left me.  As his hands cupped my face, I could feel myself getting a little choked up.  A blanket of warmth enveloped me, I was in a state of bliss.  I never wanted it to stop.

Time stood still in that moment and I swore I felt a strong connection between us.  His soft lips, his loving caresses...his everything was mine.  I felt a stronger bond with him despite the fact that I hadn't ever bonded with him emotionally.  Truth be told, Dat-Bod-Doe and I had never had an engaging conversation...or even a regular conversation, period.  Sure, we would chitchat here and there when we were together but nothing that ever really stimulated me.  Our silences were filled with me darting my eyes around the room, frantically looking around for a subject to banter about but to no avail.

I have a strong sense of attachment to Dat-Bod-Doe and upon further reflection, I would say that it's my lust pining for him.  Of course, there's also the standard yearning for someone to give me attention, to reaffirm my beauty, to validate my whole person.  I'm comfortable with myself but there's just something about having that special someone tell you that they appreciate you that gives you that extra boost you need.

It's strange how I can put my foot down to demand what I need emotionally...yet my mind can be so quick to remove that foot the second I think about how amazing our time together had been.  The amount of oxytocin I had been releasing had made me forget all my woes and struggles going on when we weren't together.  It's as if my mind accepts that the pain I went through was worth the mere 8 or 9 hours of bliss we would spend together.  It's funny how these feelings can overpower my common sense.

I guess it's also the idea of instant gratification.  Why wait for The One when I can get some sugar now?  Why should I hope and dream about my knight in shining armor when I have a sort-of knight in fantastic, chiseled armor who can please me once every week or so? 

Being dependent is definitely not something healthy or something I wish upon anyone.  I've heard it all on Oprah--you shouldn't enter a relationship unless you're one whole person.  You shouldn't be looking for your other half, but rather, another whole person who will compliment you.  Moreover, you shouldn't be depending on someone else for your happiness because just having yourself should be enough for you.  As much as I know all this, I can't help but feel sick of being alone.  It's just so much nicer to have someone by your side who wants to make you just as happy as you want to make them.

Cuddling, hugging, kissing, little moments, little gestures, it's all so addicting and I can't get enough of it.  

I've never broken it off with someone before and doing so with Dat-Bod-Doe was extremely hard.  I know it was for the best since he wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs and frankly, he wasn't really being very respectful towards me (in that he would ignore my messages, what was that even about?!).  Still, I couldn't help but cry a little while I wrote him the message....as well as after I sent it to him.  I was losing someone who made me feel good about myself, someone who liked me.

I also saw him as someone special/different since he noticed me.  He lusted for me when we first met and thought I was drop-dead sexy.  At the same time, as he got to know me and see me in different attire, he would call me adorable and cute.  I was two girls in one for him and that was an amazing feeling.  The gentle, loving kisses he would give me on my hands, my nose, and my cheeks would make me feel like he truly adored me.  Sometimes, if we were sitting next to each other (or I was sitting up and he was lying down) and I would look at him, he would kiss the air in my direction.  It was unnecessary and completely unexpected...and every time I would get them, I would feel just a little happier knowing that he wanted to send me a little love.

On our first "paid" outing (we had gone on 3 dates before that, all of which involved activities that didn't require any money), we ended up cabbing back to his place since it was pouring like mad outside.  I was so full, I was pretty much a bloated zombie when I slid into the cab.  With my eyes glazed over, I clicked my seat belt in and prepared myself to spend a quiet ride back.  The second the buckle was in, I felt something touch my fingers.  Wide-eyed, I quickly turned my head to see what I had brushed against--it was Dat-Bod-Doe's hand.  He had extended it, welcoming my fingers between his.  It was warm and comfortable.  He leaned in for a kiss.  My heart leaped, that was so unexpected.  As we kissed, it felt as if we were a real couple with real feelings and perhaps a small future.

Ah that's another thing that got me hooked--sometimes, Dat-Bod-Doe would talk about future dates with me or future things we would do together.  Such talk would reaffirm his feelings towards me and I'd feel overjoyed to know that he planned to continue seeing me in the future...it gave me hope because I thought it would mean that we could possibly turn this whole casual dating thing into a real relationship.  He liked me and wanted to spend more time with me, what more evidence could I need to prove that he might want me to be his girlfriend? 

And then that's when reality sets in...he didn't care about me as much as I thought.  He probably never thought about me as often as I did him.  He didn't pay for my $13 dinner that night, but he did pay for the $9 cab.  In total, had the whole evening been on him, he would have spent a sum of $35 on the both of us, a pretty reasonable price for a date, especially for someone who works.  More importantly, it's a reasonable price for a first paid date.  Like I said in my other blog post, I'm fine with paying for someone on another date, it's the gesture and the thought behind offering to pay for me that counts.

I know I may sound like a princess and don't get me wrong, $35 is A LOT of money.  My heart drops whenever I spend more than $20 on a meal and I completely understand how unfair or sucky it is for guys to be expected to pay for a meal.  It's just that I've done so much for so many guys and get nothing in return.  It'd be nice to have the tables turned and have my dinner paid for because someone else thought it'd be a kind gesture.

The crazy thing in all of this is the fact that even though I know he wouldn't be messaging me right now, I'm still pining for him.  I'm missing the moments we had together and I'm wondering if he even feels a bit of a sting knowing that we'll never share another kiss again.

Emotionally draining

If I haven't mentioned this before, I'll say it now: The guy I'm currently seeing is Dat-Bod-Doe.  We've had our romantic, sweet moments.  They're lovely.  My only complaint(s) about Dat-Bod-Doe would be the fact that he doesn't text me back sometimes (something Pseudo-Prince was also faulty of but to a larger degree) and that (I think) he (sometimes...or really, just these past few days) ignores my texts when I try to make plans with him.  Oh and also the fact that he doesn't start conversations with me, much less offer decent conversation when we do have a chat open.

I know that eventually, we'll grow distant and stop seeing each other, or maybe he'll decide that he's bored of me and tell me that he doesn't have the time to see me.  The only reason why I'm framing our eventual "break up" around his decision is because I hold onto people, memories, objects, anything.  I always find it hard to cut things out of my life.  Even the simplest things like throwing things away from my childhood that I don't need anymore and getting rid of old schoolwork are really hard for me.  I hold onto these items because I always have that "But what if I need it later on and I just don't know it? I don't want to regret throwing this stuff out." mentality.

In the case of Dat-Bod-Doe, I've been secretly wishing that he would magically get clingier and have a need to talk to me more often.  I don't even want him to be CLINGY, just more chatty, more "Oh hey, I haven't talked to Goofball in 2 days, I kinda miss her. I should text her to see how she is."  Is that too much to ask for?

He's told me about the cute things he's done for his ex-girlfriends back in high school and they all sound like things I would want my own Prince Charming to do for me.  Brace yourself for the cheesiest thing ever: 

Homecoming?

> He needs to ask his girlfriend to homecoming

> Makes cakepops for her and puts "HC?" on them

> She doesn't like that and tells him to redo the entire "asking out" part (LOLWTF?? UNGRATEFUL GIRL)

Homecoming? 2.0

> He buys a shit ton of roses

> Places 1 rose on her desk before she gets to every one of her classes so that they're there waiting for her 

> Hides in closet of her final class with a bouquet of roses and asks her to homecoming

Ah Americans, you so romantic.

Anyway, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.  I know he is capable of doing sweet things.  But...why isn't he doing them for me?  Oh right, we're CASUALLY DATING.  Ughghgughguhgughalskdcjijeal;ksjdfiejas.  I guess he just doesn't care about me enough to want something more serious or to want to put in the extra effort.  Or maybe he's just lazier now and really can't be bothered.  Whichever the reason, I'm craving that sort of care.  After cycling through 2 serious boyfriends who haven't done anything of the sorts for me (well...Pseudo-Prince had his moments in that he would offer to pick me up to drive me to his place and would drive me home. That was amazing), I'm starting to think that no guy will ever want to do something for me.  Ever.  ...But I'm worth it.  I know I am.  I know that a relationship is reciprocal.  I fear that the more frogs I date, the more I'll lose my spirit and lose my naivety.

Being naive is so great because I get to give someone my everything without thinking twice about whether or not he's just saying sweet things to me to dupe me.  I like being trusting and believing that the other loves me just as much as I do them.  Being naive may seem stupid but being cautious takes away so much from a relationship.

The more discouraged I get, the more my naivety disappears.  What's left behind is a shell of despair, sourness, and a girl who can't seem to trust that the next guy will offer something better.