Scientifically, engaging in intimate activities releases oxytocin, a "feel-good" hormone which ultimately lets us bond with our partner. Skin-to-skin contact also lets two people build a stronger bond with each other, as it does for a newborn baby and its parent (doctors recommend spending some quality skin-to-skin time with newborns to build that sort of thing).
I wonder if both people release the same amount of oxytocin while being intimate. In other words, are you feeling closer to me as I do for you?
Dat-Bod-Doe and I always had steamy, passionate moments I could only dream of having. He was a godsend, making my head spin every time we locked lips. But then this one time, things calmed down and we shared several soft, beautiful kisses. Our heavy breathing softened into gentle lip smacking and pecks. Our noses nuzzled and caressed each other as if they were slow-dancing together. The electricity running through my veins moved to my heart, giving me pangs and knots I hadn't felt ever since Pseudo-Prince left me. As his hands cupped my face, I could feel myself getting a little choked up. A blanket of warmth enveloped me, I was in a state of bliss. I never wanted it to stop.
Time stood still in that moment and I swore I felt a strong connection between us. His soft lips, his loving caresses...his everything was mine. I felt a stronger bond with him despite the fact that I hadn't ever bonded with him emotionally. Truth be told, Dat-Bod-Doe and I had never had an engaging conversation...or even a regular conversation, period. Sure, we would chitchat here and there when we were together but nothing that ever really stimulated me. Our silences were filled with me darting my eyes around the room, frantically looking around for a subject to banter about but to no avail.
I have a strong sense of attachment to Dat-Bod-Doe and upon further reflection, I would say that it's my lust pining for him. Of course, there's also the standard yearning for someone to give me attention, to reaffirm my beauty, to validate my whole person. I'm comfortable with myself but there's just something about having that special someone tell you that they appreciate you that gives you that extra boost you need.
It's strange how I can put my foot down to demand what I need emotionally...yet my mind can be so quick to remove that foot the second I think about how amazing our time together had been. The amount of oxytocin I had been releasing had made me forget all my woes and struggles going on when we weren't together. It's as if my mind accepts that the pain I went through was worth the mere 8 or 9 hours of bliss we would spend together. It's funny how these feelings can overpower my common sense.
I guess it's also the idea of instant gratification. Why wait for The One when I can get some sugar now? Why should I hope and dream about my knight in shining armor when I have a sort-of knight in fantastic, chiseled armor who can please me once every week or so?
Being dependent is definitely not something healthy or something I wish upon anyone. I've heard it all on Oprah--you shouldn't enter a relationship unless you're one whole person. You shouldn't be looking for your other half, but rather, another whole person who will compliment you. Moreover, you shouldn't be depending on someone else for your happiness because just having yourself should be enough for you. As much as I know all this, I can't help but feel sick of being alone. It's just so much nicer to have someone by your side who wants to make you just as happy as you want to make them.
Cuddling, hugging, kissing, little moments, little gestures, it's all so addicting and I can't get enough of it.
I've never broken it off with someone before and doing so with Dat-Bod-Doe was extremely hard. I know it was for the best since he wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs and frankly, he wasn't really being very respectful towards me (in that he would ignore my messages, what was that even about?!). Still, I couldn't help but cry a little while I wrote him the message....as well as after I sent it to him. I was losing someone who made me feel good about myself, someone who liked me.
I also saw him as someone special/different since he noticed me. He lusted for me when we first met and thought I was drop-dead sexy. At the same time, as he got to know me and see me in different attire, he would call me adorable and cute. I was two girls in one for him and that was an amazing feeling. The gentle, loving kisses he would give me on my hands, my nose, and my cheeks would make me feel like he truly adored me. Sometimes, if we were sitting next to each other (or I was sitting up and he was lying down) and I would look at him, he would kiss the air in my direction. It was unnecessary and completely unexpected...and every time I would get them, I would feel just a little happier knowing that he wanted to send me a little love.
On our first "paid" outing (we had gone on 3 dates before that, all of which involved activities that didn't require any money), we ended up cabbing back to his place since it was pouring like mad outside. I was so full, I was pretty much a bloated zombie when I slid into the cab. With my eyes glazed over, I clicked my seat belt in and prepared myself to spend a quiet ride back. The second the buckle was in, I felt something touch my fingers. Wide-eyed, I quickly turned my head to see what I had brushed against--it was Dat-Bod-Doe's hand. He had extended it, welcoming my fingers between his. It was warm and comfortable. He leaned in for a kiss. My heart leaped, that was so unexpected. As we kissed, it felt as if we were a real couple with real feelings and perhaps a small future.
Ah that's another thing that got me hooked--sometimes, Dat-Bod-Doe would talk about future dates with me or future things we would do together. Such talk would reaffirm his feelings towards me and I'd feel overjoyed to know that he planned to continue seeing me in the future...it gave me hope because I thought it would mean that we could possibly turn this whole casual dating thing into a real relationship. He liked me and wanted to spend more time with me, what more evidence could I need to prove that he might want me to be his girlfriend?
I also saw him as someone special/different since he noticed me. He lusted for me when we first met and thought I was drop-dead sexy. At the same time, as he got to know me and see me in different attire, he would call me adorable and cute. I was two girls in one for him and that was an amazing feeling. The gentle, loving kisses he would give me on my hands, my nose, and my cheeks would make me feel like he truly adored me. Sometimes, if we were sitting next to each other (or I was sitting up and he was lying down) and I would look at him, he would kiss the air in my direction. It was unnecessary and completely unexpected...and every time I would get them, I would feel just a little happier knowing that he wanted to send me a little love.
On our first "paid" outing (we had gone on 3 dates before that, all of which involved activities that didn't require any money), we ended up cabbing back to his place since it was pouring like mad outside. I was so full, I was pretty much a bloated zombie when I slid into the cab. With my eyes glazed over, I clicked my seat belt in and prepared myself to spend a quiet ride back. The second the buckle was in, I felt something touch my fingers. Wide-eyed, I quickly turned my head to see what I had brushed against--it was Dat-Bod-Doe's hand. He had extended it, welcoming my fingers between his. It was warm and comfortable. He leaned in for a kiss. My heart leaped, that was so unexpected. As we kissed, it felt as if we were a real couple with real feelings and perhaps a small future.
Ah that's another thing that got me hooked--sometimes, Dat-Bod-Doe would talk about future dates with me or future things we would do together. Such talk would reaffirm his feelings towards me and I'd feel overjoyed to know that he planned to continue seeing me in the future...it gave me hope because I thought it would mean that we could possibly turn this whole casual dating thing into a real relationship. He liked me and wanted to spend more time with me, what more evidence could I need to prove that he might want me to be his girlfriend?
And then that's when reality sets in...he didn't care about me as much as I thought. He probably never thought about me as often as I did him. He didn't pay for my $13 dinner that night, but he did pay for the $9 cab. In total, had the whole evening been on him, he would have spent a sum of $35 on the both of us, a pretty reasonable price for a date, especially for someone who works. More importantly, it's a reasonable price for a first paid date. Like I said in my other blog post, I'm fine with paying for someone on another date, it's the gesture and the thought behind offering to pay for me that counts.
I know I may sound like a princess and don't get me wrong, $35 is A LOT of money. My heart drops whenever I spend more than $20 on a meal and I completely understand how unfair or sucky it is for guys to be expected to pay for a meal. It's just that I've done so much for so many guys and get nothing in return. It'd be nice to have the tables turned and have my dinner paid for because someone else thought it'd be a kind gesture.
The crazy thing in all of this is the fact that even though I know he wouldn't be messaging me right now, I'm still pining for him. I'm missing the moments we had together and I'm wondering if he even feels a bit of a sting knowing that we'll never share another kiss again.
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